Sometimes I look up old X Files fanfic (not my own; too scary) to amuse myself, and the best one I've read this week is one in which Mulder hits Scully up for some phone bone.

On their government-issued cellphones!! Because this is 1998.

Scully is sitting in her motel room, which does NOT have an adjoining room or a vibrating bed, towel-drying her hair after her shower.

Naturally, this triggers a memory, and she thinks back to the not-so-distant past, when Mulder dried her hair for her, section by section. Gently.

Swoon~

So we've established that this isn't a First Time story. Aw.

Her reverie is interrupted by a phone call. Can you guess who it might be?

That's right: Mulder! And can you guess what he wants?

"'Hey, sorry, wrong number, I was trying to reach `1-900-REDHEAD,' a familiar voice intoned from the other line." (Punctuation in context)

I know I said cellphone and this is a corded affair. I also know that this is from Deep Throat, so her look is all wrong for a story set in S5, but let's carry on.

Riiight, wrong number. Like the little doll in Chinga, Mulder wants to play. But his game doesn't involve a knife through the forehead.

Just gonna interrupt briefly to say that I passed on some weird, voyeuristic one where Skinner watches M&S do tequila shots at a club (not just any - The Club!) before they do the naked pretzel on the dancefloor. But that's a whole other thread.

Did I say passed on? I meant read almost the entire thing.

Anyway, they're on the phone; Scully is wearing only a towel.

This lady what?! And yes, that is Consolas font.

Heheh, he cocked it.

Carrying on swiftly, Mulder indeed tells her what to do. There's an incredibly specific instruction that makes me die inside. I can't even tell you. He would not say that!!

At one point, he says softly, "It's me, Scully." Great recycling of a familiar line. It's actually upcycling.

Then he tells her, quite romantically, that it's his hand inside of her ... His whole hand?!

I wanna be in you, Scully, I've waited so long for this, yadda yadda, harder, Scully. Train through the tunnel, fireworks.

OH WAIT!! THERE *IS* AN ADJOINING DOOR. AND MULDER, AKA HANDSOME, IS CALLING FROM THE NEXT ROOM. HE'S BEEN THERE ALL ALONG.

Scully opens the door and sizes him up. His torso is tantalizingly close (*90s audience 'woo!'*), and this author wants you to know that there is a noticable bulge at the front of his jeans. Gosh, what a twist.

All right, you know how it ends. Red shoves Handsome onto the bed and literally climbs him like a tree. They hold hands and each other to their word.

And it was.

Roll credits!