We’re in the middle of a pandemic and a lot of us will be dealing with unexpected loss and/or supporting someone dealing with unexpected loss, more specifically bereavement so I thought I would do a thread in hope of guiding anyone who may need it #DejisWeeklyThreads #BIPPNetwork

That being said, I understand if this is not the thread for you or one you would want to share, I was part of piloting a bereavement guide for practitioners last year and I almost backed out because it involved reading up and constantly thinking about death and grief

It almost felt like dark magic, as in I know it is there, it is real and it is a very relevant mental health topic but consistently processing that kind of information may take its toll on me

I encounter bereavement quite a bit in my line of work and it can make you feel awkward having to support someone in this space, you feel like you have to tread carefully and not know the right thing to say, there is more transference than other problems so I get it.

Nonetheless, it is more relevant now (universally) than it has ever been so it can’t be ignored. Sorry if I jump between the two realms of supporting someone dealing with loss or dealing with loss. I think right now, unfortunately, we all have to be both so I hope it makes sense

Understanding - The definition of bereave is to be deprived of a close relation or friend through their death. That can come with a variety of emotions - anger, shock, guilt, fear and sadness most commonly but not limited to these. There is no text book way to respond to death.

Bereavement is mainly a cognitive/affective process but there are physical effects too - Insomnia, weight change, nausea, tiredness etc.

How someone copes is up to them and there is no right/wrong way. Some people cry, some don’t. It can vary in behaviour, level of disruption and length. The only rule that should be set is allowing yourself (or a loved one) to feel (or not feel) without judgement and be patient.

I have only ever dealt with the death of a significant relation one time, and I didn’t really respond to it, it didn’t affect my functionality. I think my Mum was even scared by how well I took it.

There was no repression, it was just the way I processed it. Whereas everyone around me was overtly distraught. I was more affected by the guilt I was feeling for the way I responded than the actual loss.

But as I grew older I realised that it was actually ok. Most people cried, I didn’t but that doesn’t say anything about how much I cared for the person. It was more about my coping style and personality.

Despite all the above, I am a believer in the saying “excess of anything is bad for you”. The two main bi-products of bereavement I encounter are depression and repression. Two words that rhyme but can be polar opposites in the way they present themselves (behaviourally)

Depression is a topic most are accustomed to now. It’s easy to see the link between loss and a decline in morale. Repression presents itself as the opposite in that an individual may suppress feelings only for it to spill out in a self-sabotaging way later if not addressed.

Dealing with - Because the process varies so much from person to person it’s hard to give clear step by step guidance but the bereavement guide states you should help people acknowledge their pain and emphasise where you can but understand where you can’t

Understand that it can bring a variety of emotions unexpectedly and be prepared for a temporary change in behaviour at least. Recognise the difference between bereavement and depression and when further support may be needed (which is not easy without specific rationale)

If you pushed me for some practical tips I would say provide/seek face to face support to/from your loved ones (the right people). Make an attempt to go and see the person or at least phone conversation. Check up on them, show love, show you care.

Also understand the importance of physical health and maintaining functionality to an extent. Looking after your physical health can help you feel better mentally

One of the best tips I can give don’t feel like you have to talk about the loss all the time. Sometimes all people want in a time where there has been a major shift in their life is to have some normality and/or take their mind off the main stressor in their life at the time

Time is supposed to heal, so let it do it’s part, intervene later if required. Don’t force grief and don’t suppress it, navigate it naturally. If you want to return to work when the time is right, do so. If you want to indulge in some escapism and binge a series on Netflix, do so

It’s unrealistic to tell someone not to let significant bereavement change them cause it’s a life changing event, if it has to mould you in some way then let it sharpen you, be who you was/are, honour that person’s memory by making them proud and celebrating their life

One last point on supporting - acknowledge any awkwardness you feel and push through it. It will always be a sensitive topic so navigate it accordingly. You do not need to completely change your behaviour towards someone. They love you so be you, the sensitive empathetic version

I’m done! In summary:
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel not even yourself
Be patient when dealing with bereavement
Stay safe physically and mentally during this pandemic
Feel free to add to this thread
Spread love always!
See you next week #DejisWeeklyThreads @Deji_Vu