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Even though no one voted, I’m gonna tell you about the time I killed everyone in my battalion, and, became the hero for almost a month.
Gather around boys and girls, it’s story time. Today’s story is called I Was So Not Computer Literate.
Gather around boys and girls, it’s story time. Today’s story is called I Was So Not Computer Literate.
Background. Army, late 80’s. Still in an MI battalion. Computers were not really a thing yet. We had word processors. But, we were inching our way into all that. At the time, I was the SIDPERS clerk. Look it up. Basically, I told the army what everyone was doing in my battalion.
You got promoted, demoted, arrested, killed, arrive, depart, got married or divorced, I was the one who reported it. So, you’d think I should be on a computer. There was another person who handled the finance end, who you’d think should have that as well. The army solution was to
Spend a lot of money on something called TACC’s. Tactical Army combat computer. We went away for over a month to learn everything we needed to know about our jobs on this thing. Honest to Betsy, I was more confused after that class. But, army said I had to use it, so I used it.
My job was rated every week on how fast we were able to get a soldiers information into the main computers. You were good if you got it under 2 days. Not to brag, but I managed to get it done in less than a day. I stayed on top of that list, and I was proud of that. I worked hard
To get that. After that computer? Two and half days turn around. I was not fond of it.
Another part you need to know is something called REFORGER, return of foreign forces to Germany. It was an army game that involved everyone stationed there. We even had Reserves come play.
Another part you need to know is something called REFORGER, return of foreign forces to Germany. It was an army game that involved everyone stationed there. We even had Reserves come play.
I hated that as well. You were in the field for over a month, usually someplace that didn’t have facilities. And, being blunt, an MI unit is as army as a high school cheerleader is. And, they made us bring that damned computer. We didn’t have WiFi. We had cables. Believe it or
Not, I honestly didn’t get the part that that cable was responsible for sending whatever I’m doing to the main computers. So, the finance guy and I were told to practice on our new toy. I’m still convinced they gave us that order because I was bitching about them making us type
With a full fucking gas mask and whole gear. And those rubber gloves are impossible to type with. But, finance guy, (I can’t remember his name at all. I think it started with an F), decided to see what would be the worst report we could make. He had some good ones. Pat was
Pay, not pat, pay was stolen, used for bribes to USSR. But, I thought I had one that beat that. I found a code that basically said that every last single person assigned or loaned to our unit was dead. I didn’t have to give a reason. All I had to do was say everyone was dead.
So, I typed that in, and hit the finish button. I won that contest, we went off to find something edible and laughed at all our choices we had made. Slowly, things around us started getting serious. People were asking what was going on. Why did everything have to stop. Why they
Couldn’t finish their reports, their intel briefings. Turns out, they died. In this army game, you can be killed. You’re out of game for 24 hours, and you get to come back as your replacement. Me and finance thought that was funny, because I found that code that killed everyone.
Remember that cable that I had no idea what it did? Well, guess what. I found out. Every body was trying to figure out how everyone could be dead at the same time. The whole battalion. Our brigade actually had to tell our guys who were in the middle of an intel briefings that
They were now dead. Finance and I sorta kinda knew. But, we really didn’t want to explain this. So, we found our Sargent and explained what happened. He actually thought it was hilarious. Our XO did too. Remember, I was his driver. Our MI guys thought I was a Soviet spy. I had to
Part of the game. There was no way anyone would be dumb enough to send that on accident. So, I had this weird moment, in front of high ranking officers, trying to convince them that, yes, I was really that stupid. I was yelled at, and sent back to our area. And, once everyone
Else found out, they stopped by to thank me. Which was confusing, because I was just yelled at for the exact reason they are thanking me. You see, once you are dead, you are not allowed to do anything in any military form. I gave everyone a free day off. For 24 hours. They threw
Us a party. Alcohol was not allowed, so we had that cake that’s soaked in alcohol. We weren’t allowed to have any food that’s not from the army, so we had food from the nearest guesthouse. We were hero’s. And, ones who were open to bribes. I didn’t kill off the whole battalion.
But, if the bribe was good, a certain platoon or section would experience a sudden attack where no one survived. If anyone asked, I told them a sudden tornado swept in. Once, when it involved a whole company, i reported about how the ground split open during an earthquake and
Swallowed everyone up. And, I never once thought that anyone else was paying attention to our sad tragic battalion. That is, until we came back, and I had to give a report to command office in brigade. Did you know that if your heart stops, then proceeds to beat really fast, you
Can pass out? Yep, you sure can. And, when I woke up, I still had to report to brigade. I swore I knew I was going to be kicked out. They would take all my rank and pay for the rest of my military stay. So, because I basically had no other choice, I braced myself, reported.
I have found that if when you are in a situation like this, it’s best to just go ahead and tell the whole exact truth. Don’t cover it up, don’t deny it, don’t blame others. Telling the whole truth has actually gotten me more out of trouble then any other tactic. So, that’s what
I did. But, I wasn’t stupid. One rule about being honest. Don’t throw anyone else under the bus. I didn’t report the bribes, or the parties, or the illegal food, or any of that. After explaining everything that I did, and my reasoning on how everyone died, they laughed a great
Deal at me. They warned me to never do anything like that again. They had problems believing I was actually that dumb to not know what those mystery cables actually did. And, that was it. After that, everyone, including me, considered I was either really hilarious, or a total
Dipshit, too stupid to tie my own boots.
And, with that, story time is over.
And, with that, story time is over.
