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Sometimes I wonder... How everyone’s life would have been like if I did end up dying in the seventh grade. I can honestly say now that I am proud of who I have grown into. I am so happy that I survived. 
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For the ones who don’t know, my depression grew up with me when I was 12 years old. At the time, my parents were getting divorced. I experienced my first “heartbreak”. And I didn’t fit in, didn’t know my place and I felt like I was alone... In all of it.
During a church retreat, (I didn’t fully believe in Christianity/ I went for my “friends”) an older girl told me to “get over it”. That destroyed me. I began to have suicidal thoughts and was planning out how I wanted to leave. I wanted to escape from everything that was hurting.
As my depression grew too overwhelming to bear, my best friend was experiencing the same thing. My best friend of now 16 years was dealing with the same thoughts and he actually inspired me to live on... For him. I will never forget that conversation.
I soon opened up to my parents when my dad came back to visit from Korea. And through their combined effort, I felt like I was getting better. I learned to love the parts of myself that others considered weird. It didn’t help getting bullied but kids are cruel.
I found a passion for dance and fell so deeply in love with it that I left all of my problems on the stage. Then another heartbreak but this was different. I didn’t learn to heal but to distract, & when depression flanked me, I turned to her. But she couldn’t provide that for me.
It is unfair to blame her. I am not doing that at all and then weed came into my life. With every smoke, I felt better. Until it became drug abuse. I became apathetic and careless. Family life, school career and social life worsened.
After my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer, that’s when shit fit the fan. My future was unclear and muddy to me because I never thought I would make it past graduation. I was admitted in FiDM but I dropped that to take care of my mom.
Honestly, she is the GOAT for what she has done for me. I started to live for her. The doctors said that they didn’t know how long we had with her: weeks, months or years. I made it my mission to become mentally healthy so I can enjoy her time as much as possible.
I cried endlessly and I still cry now. But now, I know that I am healing. I went to therapy in high school but that didn’t work which is why I turned to weed. But I discovered holistic healing. A form of healing that accounted for all parts of your being.
Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, social, intellectual, financial, and occupational. I didn’t know where to start so I researched. I love being a student and so I did what I thought was right and I began to learn. It was daunting to see what I fell behind on.
