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I just wish they knew, and am somewhat envious of their more positive bonds between the people I'm annoyed with. I'm envious that they're more autonomous and have little to lose or get inflicted with even if they did get closer to those people.
It then makes me ruminate about the idea that maybe I just wasn't good enough for them, and no matter how hard I tried, they would rather choose anyone else than me- no matter how little they know about the other person. And it's a great insult to my efforts. My entirity.
Maybe I had seen too much, things that they could not come back from, to ever make up for because their refusal on self-work, that they would rather provoke me by gaslighting and rubbing it in my face before I finally walk out, they still play victim publicly. They still lie.
It's very frustrating. Unjust. And simply letting go just can't seem to be enough. That shit sucks.
