Here’s a little thread on the proper way to make a Ramos gin fizz, a strange slurry with one of the most laborious and complicated recipes in the American cocktail repertoire. (1/73)

The Ramos gin fizz was invented by future Governor Huey “The Kingfish” Long when he was thirteen years old and employed as a barkeep at the Ramos House bordello in Winnfield, Louisiana. (2/73)

The fizz was subsequently popularized by Satan, who introduced the cocktail to the bars and social clubs of the Northeast and made certain modifications to the recipe. I will be following’s Long’s original formula. (3/73)

Step 1 requires that you place a bottle of cheap gin in direct sunlight for several hours. This helps prevent jaundice. (4/73)

While the gin is absorbing golden rays, you may choose to read wholesome and educational literature. (5/73)

Once the gin is ready, it is recommended that you steel yourself for what is to come by making a gin and tonic, which is, in every sense, a superior drink to the Ramos gin fizz. Make it strong. (6/73)

If you feel you're ready to begin in earnest, measure out two ounces of gin. (7/73)

Add a half an ounce of lemon juice and a half an ounce of lime juice. (8/73)

So far so good. Now it’s time to take a breather and make a martini. Measure out three parts gin to one part vermouth. Eyeball it. Some people think they don’t like vermouth. They are wrong. I wouldn't use any less vermouth. Stir w/ice in a big glass. (9/73)

Strain the martini into a coupe and decorate with a thoroughly washed seashell (for calcium) and a silver dollar (for decoration). Do not ingest the garnishes. Enjoy. (10/73)

At this point you’ve already had two drinks and it might be wise to balance things out with a coffee. I recommend Nescafé instant coffee, a miracle of the space age invented for Soviet cosmonauts. (11/73)