Let us begin. This viewing is sponsored by and probably encouraged by Modelo Chelada, to which I add a pinch of lime salt and Tapatío hot sauce. https://twitter.com/MENA_Conflict/status/1248771260378681345

The movie begins, as all weeb shit does in Tokyo, 1988. This is news to me because I didn't realize weeb shit was that old. I am learning.

Tokyo was apparently fucking massive even back then. When Blondie and KISS were busy doing toilet bowl blow, Japan was building. I guess.

WE ARE THIRTY GODDAMN SECONDS IN AND TOKYO JUST GOT FUCKING NUKED.

So apparently Japan got fucked up in WWIII which was apparently in 1988.

The movie actually takes place in.... 2019? In a place called...and wait for this, it's very original:

Neo-Tokyo.

The music is pretty fucking banging so far.

Despite it being 2019, everyone still acts and dresses like the 80s. Also some gal is getting no-way-I'm-saving-it-for-Jesus finger blasted in an arcade by some bro in a sleeveless t with an I <3 Mom tattoo which feels a lot more like the 80s than 2019 to me.

The juke box prominently displays the Doors as music to listen to.

They really thought the 80s would last forever, huh? I take back my comment about Japan not being coked up.

Ah. That bike guy everyone was talking about just showed up. It does look kind of cool. Buy the guy riding it is clearly a cunt.

In the post nuclear world street bike gangs put the fuck on each othe. There appears to be two cliques. Futuristic anime bike guys with Japanese riders and inexplicably white dudes (in downtown neo-Tokyo) on what are obviously Harley type choppers.

There's also a black dude in the chopper gang that kinda looks like Killer Mike from Run the Jewels. Or at least what I assume he'd look like as an anime chopper gang leader.

I think we're supposed to root for hte Japanese gang.

In what is clearly some political statement about 1988 Japan (or maybe China?) the newscaster just casually mentions riot police are beating the shit out of student protestors and then moves on to a happy segment.

I'm eight minutes in and there hasn't been any gratuitous robot boobs.

Already a marked improvement on Ghost in the Shell.

I don't know what's going on but a dude with a gun just shot two dogs in the middle of fucking Tokyo rush hour with a child in tow. They are dead as fuck.

Ohhh.... there's big riots going on. The cops definitely gonna merc these kids like HK protestors at a university.

Uh oh, Gun Guy the Lassie Killer just got schwacked by the cops. And his kid is... a zombie?

In what seems like a Simpsoneque moment a giant can of essentially Duff Beer is falling from the side of a building into the street and WHAT THE FUCK ZOMBIE BOY DISAPPEARED AND REAPPEARED AS MIDGET DONALD TRUMP IN A HELICOPTER WHAT IS HAPPENING

Ghetto hand grenades seem to be the weapon of choice for futuristic motorcycle gangs. Doesn't seem like a very efficient weapon for high speed fighters. But what do I know, weebs are on that different plane.

The music now makes absolutely no sense. Violent protest is being violently quelled and it's like some smooth jazz shit. Like Kenny G meets Mad Max.

Grandpa Zombie Child has reappeared (what?) and is apparently invincible. One of the Japanese moto gang riders hit him and promptly exploded.

I am absolutely fucking lost.

Oh... Midget Baby Donald Trump and Grandpa Zombie Child are two different people.

And completely confusing.

Oh great, the sci fi obsession with bullpups continues. The Japanese army (?) has some sort of Tavor looking bullpups they use to threaten innocent street gangs with as they abduct zombie children.

Normal stuff.

Baby Donald Trump's chair thingy is definitely the inspiration for Baby Yoda's floating crib. Wun Hundo P.

Oh they're pulling out all the anime stops for this one. "A very normal question to which I reply 'yes' or 'no'? I better go "HUHHHHHHH" and act super confused for no reason at all!"

Some dude just tried to kill everyone with a grenade in lockup (seriously, how terrible was your arrest pat down that homeboy snuck a grenade into jail) and the response was to let everyone go.

Aight.

Midget Baby Trump and the army (?) rescued one of the motorcycle gang members (for absolutely no reason) and are giving him medical treatment and he appears to be magic or a jedi or a mudblood or something.

After spouting nonsense at the GI Joe looking guy, a scientist who we've never seen before is basically like "Biker bro's midichlorians are off the count dude, we might be able to solve the shit that's making Akira all dumb & shit if we figure out Biker Bro". Everyone's confused.

Back on that anime-trope bullshit they're doing the whole "HOW HIGH IS HIS POWER? HIS POWER IS THAT HIGH! OH NO! POWER. POWER POWER POWER. POWER POWER POWER. POWER." They really love this word.

The Japanese Gangster Bikers (hereafter "Tokyo Drift") appear to have been released from lockup to be enrolled in a secondary school where they get the shit beat out of them by a neanderthal for reasons I can't quite understand yet.

Yup, they still think we're using payphones in 2019. This appears to be a theme in anime. We'll have flying cars and shit but the cellphone is unthinkable.

The gang members are REALLY awful to their girlfriends.

AND THERE IT IS.

28 minutes in for the first cartoon boobs. Which by Ghost in the Shell standards is actually pretty impressive.

A Sten gun firing insurgent just blew up a cinema then got schwacked by the riot police and no one is explaining why.

GUYS HE IS DEAD.

This flashback is weird as hell. I don't understand what he fuck is happening.

There is now a third zombie baby. This one is a girl. And she's fucking terrifying.

She keeps referencing Akira. NO ONE IS EXPLAINING WHO AKIRA IS.

More power references.

They are now in some underground bunker that runs at like -50 degrees for absolutely no explicable reason.

THEY FOUND AKIRA. I think.

For absolutely no reason they are panning in on a guy visiting grope-town with his girlfriend on a park bench.

Japanese anime seems really big on "dudes touching girls as a background ambience touch".

Wait get the fuck out they predicted that Japan would host the 2020 Olympics in 1988?!

Ok, wounded Tokyo Drift bro is apparently a Jedi. He can move shit with his mind.

AND NOW HIS TEDDE BEAR IS ALIVE. GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK.

All the toys were actually the Zombie kids just there to haunt him?

Ok. Weird flex.

Zombie Children showed up to try and kill Tokyo Drift Jedi.

Everything is more confusing with each passing minute.

Ok, this movie is just too fucking weird. I'm calling it quits. There's still an hour to go.

Ok, I lied. I have to finish the horrorshow. The GI Joe guy just started a coup and took over the entire government. Seemingly on a whim.

Tokyo Drift Jedi is doing drugs at the bar. Which he apparently just destroyed. And murdered the bartender.

I am perpetually more confused with each passing minute.

Tokyo Drift Jedi is just murdering everyone.

And getting high. And tryna steal that red bike.

Oh it's that amazing anime moment where they wax philosophical about shit that makes absolutely no sense at all but sounds deep. Why is this trope so pervasive?

The coup is not going great.

Also they're using a tank to kill Tokyo Drift Jedi. And he's not having it.

Oh shit, red bike bro is going to challenge Tokyo Drift Jedi.

Some Sith shit is happening. I don't understand why or what but it's definitely Sith shit.

So Akira is apparently a dead person. A dead person's organs to be precise. Buried in a thousand foot deep government facility comprised of hundreds of floors. To house... A few organs?

Ohhhhh. They said some shit about using "Sol" earlier but I thought they said "Seoul". Apparently Seoul is not South Korea but rather a space laser for killing mutants.

It's getting more confusing by the second.

OH. NOW THERE ARE TENTACLES. FIRST THERE WAS RAPE. NOW THERE ARE TENTACLES. REALLY JAPAN?

More tentacles.

Jesus Christ it just got inexplicably gross. Like I have no idea what's happening but it is foul.

Tokyo is getting nuked.

Again.

Ope, there's a random nosebleed.

It's over. I have absolutely no idea what the fuck I just watched.