Thread by @hawillisdc, im finally watching love is blind, im 15 minutes in and this [...]

im finally watching love is blind, im 15 minutes in and this is…mess. some of these ethnic folks talking about they‘re happy because they don’t want people to worry about their race or skin color…chile…

the color blind rhetoric on this show…

12 minutes in and these two people talking through a wall already telling each other “i like you”

THIS WHITE MAN DONE TOLD THE BLACK GIRL HE COULD TELL SHE WAS “AFRICAN AMERICAN BECAUSE OF HER VOICE”

she lied and told him she’s white…yall.

the cishets have lost it.

this man has talked to this woman through a wall *twice* and is in tears telling her his mother got diagnosed with parkinson’s disease after saying he’s “sensitive”…he HAS to be a cancer sun there is no way.

CLOCKED. KNEW IT. oh my goddd the instant serotonin from being right is like ecstasy.

only a cancer man would cry on a date to a woman he barely knows about his mother’s illness and call himself “sensitive” all in under 2 minutes

dating cancer men has never been more concisely summarized in four images until now:

barnett is the only man making constant sex jokes and playing everyone he is giving chaotic man whore teas—definitely a taurus or scorpio man. (tempted to say gemini but he actually has the juice.)

clocked. again. give me my things im too good at this.

ITS THE FIRST EPISODE

damn i clocked him wrong…this is sad im actually rooting for him now. love for my bi king.

I REPEAT. IT. IS. THE. FIRST. EPISODE.

honestly if it’s a couple chaotic and obsessive enough to survive falling in love without ever having seen each other it’s a cancer and scorpio so hey

peak scorpio man antics: being mad and jealous that the girl you like has (2) prospects and isnt focusing all her attention on you while you thot and are literally playing with everybody—im so weak

im glad she checked him tho

peak scorpio man antics: being mad and jealous that the girl you like has (2) prospects and isnt focusing all her attention on you while you thot and are literally playing with everybody—im so weak im glad she checked him tho

im losing my mind skskksksksksksks

SCORPIO MEN LMFAOO

these girls be emotional on her shoulder talking about how much they like barnett and whole time

im weakkkk

I—

all these people saying i love you and proposing to literal strangers…

mental illness

ANNNND WE’RE BACK. summary: so everyone is now engaged to a stranger they talked to through a wall for (1) week, the couples have seen each other for the 1st time, the show is sending the couples on vaca but haven’t told them they’re all gonna be at the same resort…lord…

chile…brother carlton’s entire energy done switched up now that he seen what diamond look like. in under 3 minutes he’s exhibited signs of possessiveness, jealousy, controlling behavior, been rude, objectifying acting like a whole different person yikes this girl better run.

this is when she should’ve clocked out. right here. men get a beard that connects and lose their damn mind.

carlton has big male asshole energy, obscures his real feelings with insults and pushes away people he wants to be close due to inability to communicate vulnerably so…virgo man or scorpio man? maybe…sag man? would say aquarius man but he’s not fake deep/preachy enough.

3 for 3. somebody run me my fucking coins. i literally should be paid for this. i knew asking strangers to see their birth chart since 12th grade would pay off one day.

i really hope diamond isn’t biphobic when he comes out to her—she’s my favorite. come on girl. don’t let me down.

carlton sucks as a person but his entire “fluid” story arc is really sad. it hit when he said “why do I gotta hide? why i can’t just be myself” while he was crying. that hit. i teared up. for real.

ok what is this white latina giving

SCREAM. their first morning waking up next to each other the white man told sis he loves her bonnet sksksksksk +500 points to the delusional cancer/scorpio couple. they have the most staying power so far—that is a relative scale though so

jessica is going to cheat. they’ve barely even spent time on her and marc but from the 3 minutes they have shown…she don’t like that little boy and when she find out the dude she *actually* wanted is staying in the same hotel…

NOT HER QUOTING BEYONCÉ I—

i know carlton is part of the lgbt community because a cishet man could never come up with the clap back “nah watch your wig cause it keep sliding” off the cuff mid argument like that i am LIVING

girl i—

JESSICA AND MARC FINALLY RAN INTO AMBER AND BARNETT AND REALIZED THEYRE AT THE SAME RESORT. bone-apple-tea, theydies and gentlethems.

if jessica keep looking at barnett like that the military girl gonna knock her back into antebellum

what’s the military girl amber’s sign? she’s chaotic. her brand is tomboy

she was able to tame a scorpio man. she said “sex everyday should be on a prenup.” she be threatening to fight people. she said she blew up a TANK. she is so aggressive she HAS to be a fire sign.

out of the fire signs…she’s a bit *too aggressive* to be leo. she’s lowkey too stupid to be a sag but honestly i could see it just off how rude she is. i could see aries too. that’s my final lock in. sag or aries. if i go 4 for 4 im gonna start charging for birth chart readings.

so when are y’all gonna crown me for my god given talents.

concisely summarized in four photos: fire sign women edition

ok im gonna start taking my time guessing bc i wanna go five for five and im gonna start being wrong because im overthinking now lmao

marc listening to the rest of the men talk about all the sex they’re having

jessica keeps saying her and marc have an “unmatched” emotional “bond” and the reason she hasn’t gotten physical with him yet is because they’re taking it slow

thinking you’re going to steal a fire sign woman’s man in four images:

im rooting for the delusional scorpio and cancer…lol like they’re the only ones who genuinely seem obsessed with each other and aren’t forcing it. the white latina and damian don’t have anything to talk about lol and amber is way more obsessed with barnett than he is with her.

kelly and kenny are wholesome but they’re like the bobby from queer eye of this show. important but more boring than watching paint dry.

ok back to finish the second half of episode 5 with much needed gin in hand

DAMIAN RISKED HIS GOOD JOB TO BE ON THIS REALITY SHOW AND DOESNT KNOW WHETHER HES GOING TO HAVE EMPLOYMENT WHEN HE GETS HOME…?

lauren bringing up the fact she’s in an interracial relationship every .005 seconds

mark ignoring all five million red flags so he can continue to believe he has chemistry with jessica and she loves him

jessica is flirting with barnett telling him mark is a flop in hopes she can finesse while mark is literally 20 feet away telling amber how hard he’s fighting for jessica and that he thinks it’s all going to work out between them

mark is so fucking delusional. only a pisces could fictionalize and construct a world in which they have chemistry with someone who isn’t remotely interested like this. i can’t claim to have guessed that bc actually my bestfriend did last night before i could but i KNEW it.

ok enough for today! i will pick up on episode 6 tomorrow.

im back for shenanigans.

ok let’s get down to brass tacks. summary: they left the resort, the show is moving all the couples into apartments (in the same complex) so they can get used to living together. they haven’t told their families. the weddings are in 3 weeks. they’ve known each other for 2 weeks.

if i did a shot everytime lauren said “interracial couple” i would have to get my stomach pumped

so now they’re going to each other’s real houses and talking about the logistics of moving in together/combining finances/assets.

cameron has a 3br house. points were made. sis is winning period.

jessica keeps making snide comments about mark’s house and his age like she’s not the 34 year old trying to marry a 24 year old. was she expecting him to established?? two bedroom home, six figure income and 401k? like??? somebody get this washed old hag.

jessica getting engaged to a 24 year old then being surprised he has the age appropriate lifestyle of a 24 year old. you have to laugh.

barnett’s house is cute and modest but he has dirty carpets and said it’s because his dog pisses up the house

lord.

the realities of combining finances/assets/debt with someone you met two weeks ago is hitting barnett like ali and frazier in ‘71

IT GETS WORSE. MY GOD.

concisely summarized in four photos:
dating water sign men

HOLD UP I KNOW THIS BROAD DID NOT JUST LET HER GOLDEN RETRIEVER LICK THE WINE OUT THE GLASS. YALL.

i KNOW you are fucking lying.

welp im going to get my gin—sobriety was nice while it lasted.

it’s time to guess jessica’s sign. so what do we know? she is CLEARLY unhinged, emotionally manipulative (she cries to disarm & regain the upper hand), opportunistic & sneaky. remember when she tried to get all the girls to turn on barnett/threw dirt on his name bc she was mad?

this is hard. let’s do process of elim: def NOT a fire sign. not earth. she’s too wishy washy. air…not an aquarius. *too* cutthroat to be a bitchy libra. gemini tho? hm. water…not a scorpio—they dont *sneak* diss. pisces and cancer tho…hm…fit the emotional manipulation bill…

but she’s TOO good at emotional manipulation. the way she picks at all marks insecurities…lol. she has to be water or ill be damned. she’s not delusional enough for pisces but doesnt strike me as immediately as cancer…idk man.

final answer is pisces or cancer?

say it with me now: FIVE FOR FIVE. every twitter astrologer is dead in a ditch. look at me—im the captain now. i am THE SUPREME.

watching jessica fawn over barnett, keep bringing up how he said he was gonna propose then took it back and doing things like turning a high five into a hand hold, talking about walking in front of the balcony naked after he said he lives in the apartment over her like…

concisely summarized in four images:
thinking you’re going to steal a fire sign woman’s man, part ii

im out of gin and this next episode is “meet the parents” soooo episode 7 gonna have to wait until tomorrow when the liquor store is open again. i can’t.

alrighty. shall we begin?

we are five minutes in. jesus christ.

ahhh i know this is early on in the night and maybe I’m getting cocky but i think it’s time to guess white latina gigi’s sign. because i have a strong inkling but I’m probably wrong.

what do we know about gigi? she’s simple, she’s loud, she’s charismatic, a bad bitch, she cant hide her emotions for shit, she has zero tact—straightforward communication style is an understatement, she is super dominant and *always initiates* sex. she’s kind of similar to amber?

i can immediately off rip scratch off air signs. scratch water. i could see leo or aries from fire. scratch virgo and capricorn. i can DEF see taurus. hmmmmmm.

stubborn, straight forward loud, sexual energy is SUPER taurus. also very leo/aries. i only get 2 guesses tho. crap shoot. gonna do 1 earth/1 fire. so taurus and…err. im gonna do a leap of faith and say…aries? bc she reminds me of amber. taurus or aries. final answer.

sigh. im a genius. a literal genius. y’all don’t deserve me. at all.

so damian and gianna/gigi are not gonna make it. we all know it. their communication styles are so antithetical to each other.

i have (11) aries women friends so their energy is soooo familiar to me. lmfao see em from 1000mi away.

sorry bae called me and the wine hit too hard and i am far too lit to keep my attention span watching this nonsense so we’re gonna have to table this

OK. let’s get this party started. i need to wrap this nonsense up by tomorrow night so i can stop terrorizing the timeline let’s power through a couple episodes tonight.

kenny and kelly being well adjusted healthy and happy with an accepting family blah blah show me cameron meeting the black parents already

ooh even better jessica is meeting marks parents i can’t wait to see his oedipus complex play out and his family recognize she’s garbage (hopefully)

the oedipus complex started playing out immediately she is being the archetypical mother who is jealous and skeptical of son’s girlfriend lmfao

LMAO jessica spent 5 episodes saying his family was gonna hate her for the age difference as a cop out only for his mother to say she actually prefers it she wants an “out” sooo bad