$65 for hale to read that one part in the first magicians book where they turn into geese and it's just an endless stream of honking

a two minute video chat where i try to explain the origins of spiders georg to television's hale appleman

$65 for tv’s Hale Appleman to spend 2 minutes video chatting with my dog and gently explaining that squirrels are friends not food

A two minute video chat where Hale Appleman and my mom each try to incorrectly assist one another in posting an Instagram story

$65 for star of stage and screen Hale Appleman to help me find my reading glasses via video chat.

“They’re on your head,” he says.

The screen cuts to black.

a two minute video chat where television icon hale appleman and i have a passionate debate about which popsicle flavor is best

$65 for small screen starlet hale appleman to video chat with me and read off a list of words he's never heard pronounced before

a two minute video chat with legendary television personality hale appleman where i do my best impersonation of a minor character on syfy's the magicians of his choosing and he critiques my performance harshly

a $65 video recording where fictional magic man hale appleman has just read what i ate for dinner and reads from a list of vegetables i should have had instead

a video recording where future emmy award winner hale appleman scolds me for eating chips in bed in 250 characters or less