CHAPTER 30: D'ARTAGNAN AND THE ENGLISHMAN mkay I'm starting a new Three Musketeers thread because I'm pretty sure the other one is about 4 tweets away from breaking twitter's api

Evidently this chapter was originally just titled "Milady" so smh @ the continued erasure of women on the part of the translator

"It was useless [for D'Artagnan] to try to try to keep pace on foot with a carriage drawn by two powerful horses" you know this wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't- nevermind

Whoops got into a very long conversation with a 6 year old about whether or not it was fair of the Gaang to make Appa fly them everywhere lol, BACK NOW

ANYWAY

EVERGREEN

https://twitter.com/fadeaccompli/status/1248749541018480640?s=21 https://twitter.com/fadeaccompli/status/1248749541018480640

Abandoning his quest to follow Milady due to the consequences of his chronic horse disrespect, D'Artagnan goes to Athos's house to find him drinking alone (because of course he is)

D'Artagnan: hey so I keep seeing this woman pop up everywhere and I think I'm gonna tail her for a bit to see what her deal is
L'OJ: you just have a crush on her
D'Artagnan: N-no she's literally hanging out with a person of interes-
L'Incel: you need to get redpilled dude

Athos don't worry about getting guardsmen to kill you my bitch I'll do it

Athos refuses to go with D'Artagnan on account of the horses from Tréville's stables not being good enough for him, as though he didn't just gamble awa- NEVERMIND

D'Artagnan and Planchet make it to St. Germain and the VERY first person they see is the lacky of the dude that they framed for treason after leaving him for dead in the woods

"Planchet dismounted and went straight up to Lubin, who did not recognize him" yeah I'm pretty sure you gave him a concussion so like

*soft gasp* It's Milady

Girl WHAT

Milady parked her getaway carriage in an alley and had her servant run out to give something to Lubin, who had right at that moment left Planchet standing in the square alone

So she gives the thing to Planchet "for his master"

Without verifying his identity

Sis I'm not even a spy and can still tell this is plainly some amateur hour bullshit

OH MY GOD IS THIS GOING TO BE SOME MISTAKEN IDENTITY BULLSHIT

I'm like ten seconds away from starting a Dumas stan account (Lmao who am I kidding this is already a Dumas stan account)

Planchet, a himbeau: Hey that hot servant gave me this to give to you
D'Artagnan, also a himbeau: you're sure it was for me?
Himbeau 1: oh yeah def
Himbeau 2: Better do exactly what it says then cause there's no way we CAN'T trust someone so clearly associated with the Cardinal

D'Artagnan honey I love you but u dumb for this

Also Planchet's whole reasoning behind just taking her for her word with no followup was that she was pretty so he trusted her lmao, PLEASE stop using your dicks as divining rods I am BEGGING

I'M *SCREAMING* IS THIS LETTER SERIOUSLY JUST "DO YOU LIKE ME Y/N CIRCLE"

"A lackey in black and red will await your reply" Milady if you don't just pass him this note while the teacher's not looking and call it a day

D'Artagnan and Planchet catch up to Milady just in time to see her slap the shit out of her brother with a fan

We know this man is her brother because D'Artagnan, true to form, rode up like "ARE U IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE M'LADY" and she was like "Bitch that's my brother"

OH MY GODDDDDDD IS HE STARTING ANOTHER FUCKING FIGHT

Flflkgkgk and Mademoiselle Karen is just like "fight it out I guess bye" and rides off

I call her Mademoiselle Karen because she

You know

Purchased a human being

"The pretty [maid] cast an anxious glance at D'Artagnan, whose good looks seemed to have made an impression on her." Every last one of you needs to take a cold bath

DLFLGKKGKGLG HER BROTHER IS THE SAME DUDE WHO WON D'ARTAGNAN'S GAMBLED HORSE

My suspension of disbelief wants to be strained at how often these people run into eachother but then I remember that there are like 8 rich people total who all live in eachother's orbit and it makes sense

Anyway they're fighting now

My bad they're fighting at 6pm that evening, I need to finish sentences before I tweet lmao

Did D'Artagnan just shade English names lmao I love him

CHATER 30: ~FIN 100% of the people in this chapter need to do better

CHAPTER 31: ENGLISH AND FRENCH oooh I know this will end in some rudeness against the English, my body is READY

Welp hopes dashed because the Englishmen are actually being kind of reasonable lol; they're asking for Les Himbeaux real names because they want to know who might spill their blood in ten minutes which? Legit

Honestly I wonder what their real names are. I bet they're corny af

BITCH ATHOS WHAT THE FUCK

Athos, after telling one of the englishmen his real name: you fucked up bro
: why
Athos: because people think I'm dead and now I need to kill you to keep my existence a secret
: what
Athos: yeah
Me: WHAT
Athos, drawing blade: YEAH

I fucking

I love this fucking book so goddamn much

"Immediately eight swords glittered in the rays of the setting sun" Dumas Marry Me Challenge

Anyway
https://twitter.com/ladybloof/status/1248774877361983488?s=21 https://twitter.com/LadyBloof/status/1248774877361983488

Aramis is too busy writing a poem to take this fight seriously and is just trying to get it done as quickly as possible so that he can get back to writing; we love an as-of-yet-not-revealed-to-be-horrifically-problematic nerd

SLLFKGKG AND HE WAS SO INTENSE WHILE FIGHTING THAT HIS OPPONENT RAN AWAY

Gkkgkg Lord DeWinter immediately offers D'Artagnan an audience with his sister after losing the duel solely because D'Artagnan didn't just straight up murder him like Athos did his friend

D'Artagnan et co are taking a purse that fell off of one the slain englishman, and while the idea of robbing a corpse is generally distasteful it's not like he's taking it with him so

He also, to his credit, tried to return the purse to the slain man's friend who balked about being offered pocket change to return to the man's mistress

Omg Les Himbeaux are giving the money to the lackeys of the englishmen what a gentle way to illustrate that rich people aint shit

The surviving Englishmen: wow French generosity is amazing
Grimaud, Mousqueton, Bazin and Planchet:

"And yet [D'Artagnan] felt himself invincibly drawn to [Milady] by one of those sentiments for which we cannot account." Are we sure an erection is a "sentiment" Dumas

L'OJ: why are you chasing after this woman like you weren't JUST crying about some other broad
D'Artagnan: I'm just trying to find out her connection to the Cardinal
L'OJ: I mean whatever but bitches aint shit
D'Artagnan: Athos, please
D'Artagnan: PLEASE go to therapy

Lol at Milady being mad that D'Artagnan didn't kill her brother

Omg this poor maid is shooting her shot SO HARD and D'Artagnan just keeps ignoring her in favor of Karen this poor bb

!! Her name is Kitty lmao? Anyway JUSTICE FOR KITTY

CHAPTER 30: ~FIN
Kitty girl a closed mouth doesn't get fed you gotta pass him a letter like your mistress did

CHAPTER 32: A PROCURATOR'S DINNER oh this poor procurator's wife, having to put up with P*rthos

ALSO: here's the beginning of the thread if you're just now seeing this and have been wondering wtf it is lol

https://twitter.com/xodrventure/status/1218001877704507393?s=21 https://twitter.com/xodrventure/status/1218001877704507393

Alexandre Dumas Stop Overemphasizing Porthos's Mistress's Oldness Challenge

Porthos talking about how he's scamming his way into his mistress's husband's fortune through planting himself in their family is feeling VERY Parasite (2019) and ngl can't tell if I stan it or not

Like eat the rich fr but don't be a fuckboy!! It's possible bb I PROMISE

Oop at him having to go through a smelly back alley to what he thought would be a fabulous mansion, lowkey you deserve this tbh

"And a ruddy countenance, which indicated familiarity with good living" oh is that what we're calling it now

The person being described is one of a small sportsball team's worth of clerks that just came pouring down the stairs to look at Porthos like

"It is my cousin!!!!" Mistress, girl

GIRL PLEAS- you know what go on ahead I'm sure this'll work out for you

"After having passed through the antechamber where the clerks were, and the study in which they ought to have been" oh so they NOSY nosy

Bitch Dumas is reading the SHIT out of this procurator through his introductory description I'm crying

Procurator: well we will certainly have to have you over for dinner sometime before you're deployed Monsieur """"cousin"""
Porthos, who was over at that moment FOR dinner:

This man is so goddamn rude I LIVE

Tfw it's been so long since you've picked up a book that you have to backread to remember where you left off

This is unbelievably weird

Porthos is at his mistress's house for dinner, but all of these law clerks are here too? For dinner? Shouldn't they be working I don't understand??