(This is me speaking into the void, please disregard)

These last few weeks I’ve had irregular sleep schedules but they never affected me much during my post-sleep waking hours and with things I had to get done. I thought I was getting back on track to my usual schedule but—

—it seems that I’m reverting back. This entire week has just been a whirlwind, or rather this month to date has been. Too much death and death reminders that’s been in my circle and the familiar fear of mortality has crept up on me more often so far this month than the usual.

It’s those thoughts that keep my mind wired at night on top of whatever mindless drivel I find on the internet that’s SUPPOSED to distract me and help me forget about those fears. Usually I can simply put the phone down and fade out but on nights like this it’s hard.

I fight the pull of much needed sleep because that means that I have to succumb to a true quiet environment but when my fears get loud it’s as if a car alarm is going off, or someone is being loud in the house. So I focus instead on what’s on my phone in the hopes that—

—whatever I engage with on my phone is louder than my fears and is able to suppress them so I can fall asleep. I can’t tell y’all how many times I google “what is death like” so I can coach myself on reminders of what the actual moment might feel like when my anxiety pops off.

It’s something we all have to meet sooner or later and the thought of that is so fucking annoying and ghetto to me because as shitty as this dimension is, there are some good things to it that I wanna experience forever. Or have an infinity to do trial and error.

It seems that after what I and some acquaintances have experienced this week, April has shown herself to be a difficult “anniversary” month. Time and therapy may bring peace and solace, who knows.