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Sometimes I feel really bad about venting to people about how terrible my siblings can be. I always question if others are being open with me about their sibling experiences as much as I am, but now I’m realizing maybe they’re not *open* because their siblings aren’t horrible
like my brothers. How can I be the youngest and the most emotionally mature in my family, and have to take responsibility for everyone’s emotions but mine. When I’m depressed I’m causing it, but when I call my eldest brother wicked for stealing from me he’s “depressed”.
Ko make sense rara. Having to forcibly be “home” because of quarantine has been so emotionally exhausting. I’m so proud of myself for healing in a lot of areas and not having to be emotionally moved by my parents yelling or my brothers inability to hold themselves accountable.
I honestly cannot wait until fall semester so I can get tf out of this house and away from my family again. It’s really hard cause I can’t talk to anyone really cause there’s nothing new I can talk about with my family and everyone is dealing with their own shit
I just know I’m done hyperextending myself to care about what others are going through before myself. I say this all the time but I’m really growing to taking care and loving myself first. I’ve cried so much while at home and no one notices, and that’s ok cause they don’t
really care about how I feel. Just about how my presence makes them feel with a sprinkle of Jesus saves in every conversation. I shouldn’t feel like an atheist at “home” but I do. They pray for shit that doesn’t make sense. The devil is not the reason our family isn’t unified.
No one takes responsibility for their actions. I’m just happy I know what habits to stop and learn from. But God I do not like it here. I’m still hurting from my childhood and everything here is just a reminder. And I have to pretend I’m ok.
The fucked up thing is niggas not even thinking about how this past year has affected me. Transferring schools, grandma passing, I almost died in the hospital, finances, sexual trauma etc. I already told my dad last summer I wasn’t coming back home during the semester unless
I needed to and I stuck by my word, and he gaslit me making me needing space about himself, as usual. It’s not running away, it’s taking space for yourself to grow. And I’m not even giving them any warning next school year, if you see me you see me.
I’m not even over how they demonized me for dying my hair. “You are satisfying the devil” “you will never attract anyone”. Smh I say this all the time but parents are the BIGGEST haters.
But wait... I’m trying to forgive and move past shit my dad did that he doesn’t think matters. They left me alone at home with a pastor that kept telling me I’m the reason I have sickle cell, and this man said “you’re too beautiful to have something so ugly in you”. I am very
Anxious around older men (men in general) because of trauma. But I told my dad he didn’t do shit and made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. Ok why did he bring that man to the hospital to visit me... and there was another canon bishop who they later found out is horrible
That man kept messaging me on WhatsApp and I was uncomfortable and i told my dad, he didn’t do shit and played it off again. Now he’s cursing both of them and telling me I should grow my intuition, I’m always right (duh nigga) but it just feels like my childhood when he didn’t
Do anything then.... sigh we move tho
