I'm actually incredibly powerful in that I can remove all of my willpower to complete a task, instantly, by writing it down in the form of a list

"checklists are good"

"checklists are a ward you can cast around a goal or a task which makes you find it inexplicably impossible whenever it crosses your mind"

the reconciliation of these propositions is left as an exercise to the reader

all jokes aside

this is an interesting dilemma

I thought for a while that it represented internal conflict about a task, but occasionally I will do things and explicitly not put them on a list because I *know* I will do them and I don't want to "break" my motivation

"internal conflict" is true for *some but not all* tasks that become unappealing as soon as I start planning to do them

the act of putting them on a list is *creating* an instant "ugh" field. it is fundamentally changing my relationship to the goal.

so there seems to be something happening between the instantiation of intent/desire-for-end-state

and the manifestation of the plan-making reflex

one part of me says: stop making lists and see what happens!

but I *have* tried to live without lists

I frequently forgot to do things, willfully ignored things, etc

and then it developed as a self-soothing behavior that felt like "bringing everything under control"

and, about half the time I think? lists actually did help with one piece of the puzzle - not forgetting

and sometimes I successfully used a list, worked through it, checked all the boxes

lists are so comforting

writing things down feels, for me, like a necessity

a way to preserve everything because to forget is to sin

"to forget is to sin"

that isn't remotely where I was heading with that thought but it cropped up and feels True

why is forgetting a sin? why did I make a sin out of forgetting?

I will tell a story

with the reminder that I deeply distrust any and all intentionally-generated, causal narratives of why one does something on the same level that @eigenrobot distrusts sociologists and the police

or maybe I won't tell a story, exactly

maybe I will ask questions and consider answering them, if an answer crops up

why is it a sin to forget?

how does one discover what is, and isn't, a sin?

(a note to myself to address the thing that just shifted in my chest -- it's out of order for this thread but I will address it. self: the keywords are fun->forgetting)

well. adults tell you about your sins, don't they?

sometimes they tell you before you have committed it

I am getting ahead of myself here, generating stories before asking all of the questions I want to ask.

I'll see if I can avoid filling in the gaps before I've even noticed the gaps.