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I’m stoned and thinking about the wild time I’ve had with processing my gender in relation to the world so here’s a thread of thoughts I’m having about it
I started identifying as non-binary in 2014 because when dysphoria was explained to me I understood it as discomfort with your body and with social perception of you
I’d been feeling uncomfortable with my body forever, especially after puberty and I didn’t like being perceived by others
I thought that identifying as non-binary would make me feel more comfortable with my self, like I had found some truth inside me
But I hadn’t and it didn’t. It felt nice when people used they/them for me but I was still perceived as a woman by society. I thought about taking T many times and I’m glad I didn’t.
I would have easily passed as a man if I had taken T because I already get mistaken for a boy sometimes because I’m butch and 6 ft tall.
I’m glad that I knew that I didn’t want to be perceived as a man enough to not medically transition.
Throughout most of the time of me identifying as non-binary and considering transition, I was dealing with a lot of depression and ptsd related to CSA and other things
Having done a lot of therapy working specifically on the PTSD and depression since then, it’s pretty obvious that a lot of my dysphoria and dysmorphia stemmed from the trauma of that sexual abuse
2019 was a good year for me. I had changed my name in 2018 and that decreased my dysphoria. I had a good therapist and started ssris. My dysphoria decreased substantially and I started identifying with womanhood more last fall.
I quietly became comfortable with she/her pronouns again, tho I’m still fine with they/them
With regards to how I relate to the general world, that hasn’t really changed because strangers were and are still either confused about my gender or think I’m a butch woman. The material reality of being perceived as a GNC woman matters.
With desisting/re-identifying and years of growing and changing - my opinions about gender and sexuality have also shifted
I still fully believe that trans men are men and trans women are women and everyone has the right to self identify and should have access to transition if they choose that route.
I also think that, after reading a things by other desisters and by detransitioners, that conversation about transition should be more nuanced
I wish I had seen things by desisters and detransitioners at the same time that I started seeing things by trans people online so that I could have a more balanced perspective
Especially by desisters and detransitioners who aren’t transphobic, because there is a problem with some detransitioners basically saying that because transition didn’t work for them it won’t work for anyone (which is clearly false)
There’s also a problem with trans people either denying that desisters/detrans folks were ever trans or that they’re made up completely or that the percentage is very tiny
With regards to sexuality. I’m a lesbian. Trans women can be lesbians, non-binary people can be lesbians, lesbianism can include both of those categories. Lesbianism doesn’t include men.
I’m also exclusively same sex attracted. I’ve slept with trans women, trans men, cis men, cis women and non-binary ppl. All distinctly different experiences that taught me that I’m not into any men and only enjoy sex with women and afab non-binary people.
There is so much controversy around same-sex attraction and about the definition of lesbian and this is just my personal opinion and experience. Attraction is influenced by environment but I think some of it is innate.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I’m in a place where I’m happy with being a lesbian woman. I want there to be more discussions with nuance and respect for people’s experiences of gender and sexuality. Idk if I want to have those discussions but I want to see them.
