After Lee’s surrender at Appomattox, Grant was riding back to camp in late afternoon when his aides were like, “Hey, Ulysses, don’t you think we should tell the brass in DC what happened? After all, Halleck has been SO HELPFUL to you over the years. Never spiteful or jealous ...”

After writing a quick note, Grant pressed on. “No cheers greeted him as he rode thither,” an officer wrote. “Had it been McClellan the army would have gone wild and their voices would have shaken the skies over him.”

Right. But Lee would’ve been accepting HIS surrender ...

When he reached camp, Grant sat in a drizzling rain in front of his tent. I presume this is when the phrase “Victory Cigar” was coined. The staff crowded around, his aide Horace Porter wrote, “curious to hear what his first comments would be upon the crowning event of his life.”

So it must have been MONUMENTALLY disappointing to hear Grant start talking about …
... an ass.
In a total Party Pooper move, he turned to his quartermaster and said: “Ingalls, do you remember that old white mule that So-and-so used to ride when we were in the city of Mexico?”

“Why, perfectly,” Ingalls lied, in one of those Desperate Attempts to Please Dad that we all do when we Just Wanna Keep the Vibe Cool. Deliberately diffusing the tension by evoking a different, now-distant war, Grant regaled his crowd with tales of a wily Mexican mule.

But already, horsemen pounded down dark country lanes, spreading the word: Lee had surrendered. And you know what that means: MIDNIGHT BONFIRE PARTY!!! Sleepy villages woke up, cannons were fired, people danced in silly outfits … yes, I believe alcohol was involved ...

Which leads to my proposal: Next April 9, if we’re able to gather in large groups again and/or exercise democracy, let’s have a RESPONSIBLE bonfire in every town square. We can call it America’s Bonfire Night -- I might do a Jefferson Davis Wicker Man. Let’s party like it’s 1865!