Thread by @PiaGlenn, Hiya babes! I hope everyone is safe and well in this strange [...]

Hiya babes! I hope everyone is safe and well in this strange time, and lifting each other up. That's something I try to focus on, which is part of why I've been away. Because all I've got rn is that I'm 100% not going to make it thru this!

tw: discussion of poor mental state, panic, diet & exercise

I've felt so guilty about how awful I feel, considering that ppl are actually dying and on a worldwide scale and that's why we're doing this, not just as a fucking lark to mess with Pia

but I'm not able to cope

This whole week has been shite but yesterday things took a turn. I'm OK and here and better today (hence the saying hello) because I felt so lost I decided to use my brainiac powers to dive deep into what's wrong with me

Again, I know it's not all about meeeee but I'm sharing

I've neverrrrr liked video calling, or casual use of a front-facing lens for any reason at all. I thought it was a combination of my appearance insecurity and being a grumpy elder, but it's much more than that. The world has decided to show me just how much more.

I am a people person. Periodt. An in-person person. I thrive around other people's energy and exchanging it, being a joy when possible,comfort when needed or anything in between. I love meeting new people. Chatting up the grocery store manager, knowing everyone's names at the gym

In a day, that was gone. (my experience) things were getting weird but our show was among the last to shut down. We were told not to worry. Then the next morning I went to the gym and it was closed. Went to work, worked as usual for a few hours, then was told to leave; it's over

I get so fucking lonely at times anyway - related to my love of making conversation, I'm sure. But this? I can't. It feels like I had to quit being the best part of myself, cold turkey and with no notice, and indefinitely.

So back to video calling and so forth: I don't work in an industry where I have to do them. I avoid them whenever possible, as is my right. Until now. And not only that, I feel lost because so many people excel at this thing that actually makes me ill

So I realized, and again, I am aware this sounds dramatic. I know people have much bigger problems. We all got pain, Effie. I know what I'm talking about is not news to many ppl and I need to check my Hardcore Extrovert privilege. I know I am outnumbered on this platform in that.

Any form of communication that is not in-person, or is not balanced out by in-person interactions, is difficult for me because it almost feels as though it's "mocking" the fact that we are not actually face-to-face

and I realize that's my major malfunction, and it's in different degrees: phone calls, fine. text? I guess. Literally anything else? If that's what we've got. Video call? Last resort or if it's the extreme preference of the other party/ies

That appearance insecurity I mentioned? It's inexplicable. In person, I have insecurities just like anyone, but they don't get in the way.

Put me on a video call and I have to plan the scenery and the lighting and try to look decent, or otherwise put a bag on my head

I never feel uglier, I feel my apartment is not good enough (it's fine), I'm constantly adjusting the angles...

At this point some of you may be thinking about the many videos of mine you've seen. How many of them *didn't* involve acting or singing in some way? I'll wait

I've never done an IG live. The thought terrifies me. I'm happy on a stage in front of thousands of people, a position I've been in often, love acting/performing on camera, but just...being? WTF

But you know when I'm 100% comfortable "just" being? In person!

And I'm supposed to feel gratitude for this thing that seems to come so easily to others, like "aren't we lucky we have zoom" and again, I GET IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S CIRCUMSTANCES

It's so depressing to me

My church group has been amazing and supportive and I just feel so sad streaming church online (I know it's just what we have to do and I am not in favor of nor suggesting in-person mass right now)

I've been doing it, and I understand that it's still fellowship, but...it's not

It feels like I'm used to having lollipops all day every day because I love them, and one day someone replaced my lollipops with cigarettes and then told me I should be grateful because they're still cylindrical things you put in your mouth and so many other people like them

My lovely church group is being amazing - enthusiastic about still getting dressed up and wearing hats for Easter Sunday that will be framed by our zoom boxes and I think that's so fucking depressing

I get exhausted from the discomfort of not being able to feel people's energy, intuit their emotions, read body language and physical cues...(and discerning quickly to respect people who want to be left alone lol being good with social cues means...understanding them)

But on a video call? I don't know when to speak, I try to nod and look like a weirdo, I gesture with my hands up near my face like in in a VH-1 reality show confessional...

And you know I struggle on here sometimes, too

If you've ever not gotten a reply from me when you thought you should've, that's a part of it. I can't discern well (unless it's obvious) when an exchange is "over" if we're not in-person, and I've often felt I might've left ppl hanging because I'll default to "leave ppl alone"

Like, I don't want to risk being a bother. It's bananas and it feels very extreme to me. I'm just so lonely. I told a friend last night that I might kidnap his dog from his yard and I was .0001% joking

I'm that person who knows all the names of the ppl I encounter regularly in my neighborhood and goes out of my way to say hello. I'm like if Belle was big and Black and not being a bitch to the baker

And now we're distancing. Fine. Going into it, I was like "I'm a planner - so I'll still make a detailed plan for the day, just at home"

My plans, my daily routine, my life, is deeply rooted in and contingent upon leaving the house within an hour of waking up. Usually less

When working full time, I've gotten it down to 15 minutes. I lay everything out the night before, prep food, and get up and go to be in they gym around 5:30/6

Family, I can't figure out how to make myself get out of bed now.

And because I'm not starting my day working out, I'm not drinking enough water. I'm used to finishing two big bottles full before 8AM. Also (re-upping that #tw since this is apparently to be the Moby Dick of threads)

my eating is fucked

Many of you know that yearssss ago I had a real battle with eating disorders. I went to a facility. I got educated on nutrition. I'm a bomb-ass cook and I can actually enjoy food now.

But I feel that pull. That pull that says if I didn't run X amount of miles today, I can't eat

I don't want to go back. I'm so scared of being that person again, every single day since this started. I worked so hard and it's all crumbling.

PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND WITH "WORKOUT FROM HOME" TIPS PLEASE THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT RIGHT NOW THANK YOU

I know how to work out at home/outside. I hurt my leg running on pavement. I have weights. I even got a cheapie elliptical that works fine!

But the weights, the knowledge of how to use them, access to fiftyeleven videos and apps and so forth don't mean a thing if you're laying on the couch sobbing

This would be a great time to create! To write! To dust off the ol' YouTube channel!

Sure, Jan. My hat is OFF to anyone doing things and making things at this time, outside of direct work. You are better than I am.

And the loss of my street outreach - again, I feel like an ass being sad that I can't help marginalized people like I used to, when the focus is and should always be on the marginalized people themselves - I have to get a grip and right now my hands are covered in baby oil

So I reached a point when I had a lil' breakdown moment and was Googling and calling and emailing every charitable organization I could find, medical facilities, even hospitals, trying to find places to volunteer in person.

I guess that's partly me deep desire to genuinely give back and help people, but it's also indicative of a need to be around other people in person that I'd describe at this point as nothing short of pathological

Anywho, just wanted to pop back in to say I hate that "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" is such a frivolous pop song because trust me when I say, with 100% earnestness and sincerity, my loneliness is killing me.

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