I don't get as close to people anymore because I believe that my life and I are too complicated for them. It always ends up this way, always about circumstances beyond my control, I often feel like I have to pretend everything is okay and I just don't think that's healthy.

Ever since I realized what normalcy was, I craved it. I still blame things I went through for the downfall of my relationships because it made everything complicated, it affected me too deeply.

I could not free myself from those situations easily. Abusive situations are isolating. My abusers won.

Friends and lovers couldn't relate to me. I felt alone, but I was used to it.

Maybe they thought I was too much. If I didn't distance myself first, they did.

Moon-Saturn, I don't feel like anybody is obligated to be there for me. It was never my intention to hurt anyone as a by product of what I was going through.

I would feel guilty for valid emotions. I would feel ashamed over poor childhood conditioning.

I would think that once I was healed, maybe people would stay and what's the point of having friendships and relationships anyway if I'm not?

Support isn't mine to have.

I'd rather suffer alone than burden anyone. The strong friend. The strong lover. The forgotten friend. The forgotten lover. Idk.

I don't know, man, I think of this one time where I had a whole anxiety attack in front of an ex lover.

The way he walked away from me, the way he drowned out my feelings, I'm haunted by that.

It was like I didn't exist.

We would collide again when I had it together, when I was thriving, when I was moving past trauma.

I would think, "Finally I'm good enough to love this man. I'm ready to love this man. We can be normal and happy."

A childhood dream.

And I would fall into dark places again, I would fall apart before his very eyes and I watched him fall out of love with me.

Every single time.

I would be so angry at myself. I would blame myself. I would blame my life.

I'd want to disappear and I would. I would either withdraw into myself or physically go. I believed it was better to leave than to be left. I would believe people's lives were more peaceful if I wasn't around.

I was okay with that.

For years, that narrative was a story how nobody would love me if I couldn't be the person they fell in love with.

"Live up to your first impression."

"Well, my best side was your worst invention."

It's sickening and I don't know necessarily how I'm coping with it now, but I want nothing more than to go to therapy, not for other people, but for me. I want answers as to why this pattern has played out over and over again through all of my relationships.

I want peace, I want reciprocation, I want understanding, and I want acceptance.

I've worked so hard for acceptance. I've done things I shouldn't have for acceptance.

And in the end, I didn't get acceptance.

Somehow, it was all my fault.