Stand by for news. This is huge...
I got confirmation an alien invasion is imminent. Do NOT panic. But 5 million of you are about to be abducted unless you do as I say...
I’m confident we can get those numbers down to only around 500,000 abductions.

What you need to do is grab a hammer and start smashing all of your toes. These aliens will not abduct anyone with smashed toes. I know this is uncomfortable, but we’re all in this together...
Ok, this is very bad. We are in for a very rough few weeks because enough of you are not smashing your toes. Do you want 5 million abductions? You’re not smashing your toes. Start smashing your toes.
I’m revising my original prediction. Looks like we won’t have anything close to 5 million abductions. In fact, I think we’ll only have 400,000 now cause of the toe smashing. Keep going. Smash away.
Ok, we have updated news. Looks like there will only be 200,000 abductions. Keep smashing. Don’t worry. This is only a pause in you being able to walk.
Wow. This outstanding! Looks like there will only be 30,000 abductions after all! Congratulations everyone! We did it!

You’re welcome for saving the planet. Better go get those toes looked at. See you later. I’m going to back to retirement. Please thank me.
You can follow @JesseKellyDC.
Tip: mention @twtextapp on a Twitter thread with the keyword “unroll” to get a link to it.

Latest Threads Unrolled: