I want to thank you all for your heartwarming support, reminding me just how amazing Humanity is in times of great pain and challenge.

Received many requests like this one, so I'll attempt to describe my lived experience & the emotional process when reality sets in. #coronavirus https://twitter.com/Onederful619/status/1248105255612473345

2/I'm one of those who took it seriously early on. But early on was already too late.

Opted to work from home as much as possible end of February, and generally self-isolated keeping public outings to a minimum.

So many thought I was exaggerating!

3/I yelled at friends with children who invited me over. Gave the stink-eye to anyone who came within 3 feet of me. And hurt a friend's feelings who suggested isolation sleepovers.

Many misconstrued self-isolation as socializing inside their homes instead of bars or restaurants.

4/And I still caught it.

Around March 9th, I was feeling under the weather with mild cold symptoms, sneezing and having that cold sinusy voice, but feeling okay.

It was right before my periods, & as I generally have cold symptoms the day before, I didn't pay much attention.

5/But by March 11, the symptoms were still there and it felt more like I was at the end of a cold with my nose running constantly but feeling ok.

Was sleeping fine, and as I steadily started getting better, I put any thoughts of doom away and just went on with my isolated life.

6/Life went until the night of March 27 where Sofia Vergara ripped a lung to shreds inside my chest & forced the pieces out of my mouth.

For some reason (utter boredom), I fell into the most random of Sofia Vergara YT rabbit wholes & it almost caused my death.

Kidding. Almost.

7/Boredom is when you start watching bits of Avengers Endgame geek conspiracy theories that lead to cast interviews that lead to @TheEllenShow's Have I Ever game that lead to algorithm suggesting Sofia Vergara interviews.

Self-isolation challenging you to watch everything.

8/The woman is HILARIOUS.

I tried watching Sofia Vergara's family show but it never clicked so I wasn't part of that verse. So imagine my surprise upon discovering a bigger-than-life loud personality, very self-aware and leaning into that trope supposed to limit her potential.

9/So here I was laughing at her laughing at herself, having a nice evening. Feeling ok, but still with a runny nose.

Until I watched this interview and laughed so hard I started coughing, and coughing louder, and harder, trying to catch my breath.

10/I remember it clearly.

Was reaching for water thinking of Vergara's voice saying "sohmteen' moarrr aprrroprriaat", and started laughing again when it happened.

A cough so harsh it shattered my throat, spread through my back shredding my lungs like lightening through the sky.

11/I froze in fear. The next cough came and I ran to the bathroom to throw up.

I kept coughing hard, my throat steadily getting more bruised with each cough, shards of glass running through the membrane of my lungs until a fist tightened around my throat cutting off oxygen.

12/Panic.

You know what to do in panic: slow everything down. Ignore pain, shut mouth, yoga-breathe through nose slowly. I kept choking out coughs, but I was able to take shallow breaths & calm myself down.

Was able to drink water. Sat down. I was burning with fever. And fear.

13/The pain-management I had learned since last summer to deal with my bad knee were very helpful at that moment.

I had an accident last summer and basically shredded or ripped everything inside my knee (meniscus, cruciate, tendons), and had to learn how to deal with the pain.

14/Yes, I wear a brace & walk around on crutches.

Everything I touch ends up on my crutches & brace, that follow me everywhere. Did you know the coronavirus remains active on hard surfaces from a few hours to apparently a few days?

So no matter how often I washed my hands...

15/I was scheduled to meet with a specialist on April 2nd to discuss surgery, but all elective surgeries are cancelled until this nightmare ends. Understandably.

So, here I was hobbling around trying to breathe, to not vomit because I can't bend my knee in front of the toilet...

16/And then that thought I had been trying to push into the back of my mind shoved its way through to the front, settling down firmly.

This wasn't December 2019, or February 2020, let alone early March. This was almost April 2020 and I had information that cannot be ignored.

17/I tried to reassure myself by processing information.

Knowledge is power & if I think rationally about the possibility of being infected with the #coronavirus, I can CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Cuomo's account was helpful to find what I should do & get help. https://coronavirus.health.ny.gov/home 

18/The next few days were busy with gathering, processing more info, and making phone calls where everyone yells at you to stay home and very hydrated.

Meantime, I was running a high fever (no thermometer at home, so can't tell exactly) & my bones started shaking uncontrollably.

19/I also developed an acute fear of coughing.

That cough is such searing pain, like a talon quickly striking though your lungs, shredding them from the inside out with such viciousness that it becomes impossible to hold a rational thought during a fit.

Pain. Fear. Head games.

20/I was able to Skype with a doc who simply looked at me, from my laptop, & sighed deeply.

He looked so tired, so defeated, but still stressed important key points.

Thank you Dr. A for all you're doing... I want to wish for him to stay safe, but I'll settle for him to survive.

21/Steadily, I got worse. I got more sick. More frightened. More defeated.

My skeleton was trying to escape my skin; my throat hurt so bad the thought of a cough made me cry; At times, I wasn't able to breathe, the thought of choking to death on my own became a real possibility.

22/Was able to Skype with Dr. A again on April 4. He looked at me, asked if I needed an ambulance.

I wanted to know what will happen to me.

I will have to wait a few hours before medical help arrives. They will take me somewhere that's been already out of space days ago.

23/If or when I get to the point where I'm not able to breathe, they will do all they can to transfer me to ICU, put me on respirator... then my ears started buzzing.

So this was it.

A hospital bed, in one of many rows of hospital beds, surrounded by overwhelmed medical staff.

24/I politely thanked doc and told him to let me think about it. He said to go look in the mirror & maybe dm him a different answer. He emailed me a reminder to lay prone whenever I can't breathe.

And because he knew I was too dumb with fear by then, he included an attachment.

25/One of the tricks learned whenever that fist tightens around my throat is to lay on my stomach, head propped up on a pillow & arms by my side. Prone.

Concentrating on taking slow breaths, the weight on my lungs is alleviated in that position so I'm gradually able to breathe.

26/After the call, I sat there, concentrating on breathing and not coughing.

Then I stood up and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and a fuggly zombie apocalypse stared back at me.

You know the black zombies with the bad ashy skin makeup & bruised eyes? That was me.

27/At first I laughed, like it's a joke. So I leaned in closer and wow was I perfect for an extra on The Walking Dead!

My skin was ashy brown. There were bruises around my eye & the side of my lip like I was beaten up days ago so the bruises were hinging on pale blue.

So yeah.

28/It was very hard not to see the writing on the wall... I can try to ignore it or I can deal with it while I was mentally and physically still able to.

After a few decades of living, you know when it's time to make a difficult decision and not drag it, wallowing in self-pity.

29/At first, I wanted to take up doc on his offer and as I was typing questions, I started also answering them.

What will happen to my stuff, after I'm gone. What forms can I fill out in advance so to notify people, after I'm gone. What will happen to my body, after I'm gone.

30/What will happen to my loans, after I'm gone. What about my job, after I'm gone. Can I still be a donor even with corona, after I'm gone?

What happens to my soul, after I'm gone. What happens if there's really a God, after I'm gone. Can I change from atheism, after I'm gone?

31/Then tried thinking of every step, before I'm gone.

Was fine until I thought of how there probably won't be enough respirators for all of us, before we're gone. Doctors in Italy were making difficult decisions like taking respirators from 80 year olds to help 40 year olds...

32/Black Women on respirators are apparently a majority in certain hospitals, because a lifetime of racism, before we're gone...

I decided to stay put, surrounded with the comforts of my own home, while I was getting gone. If the end is the same, why choose all that drama.

33/ Shaved my legs. Tidied up my apartment. Wrote down emergency number, not saying who because she might lose her shit.

Brushed my teeth, wore clean underwear and pajamas. Clean sheets on my bed. Overworked myself into a torturous coughing fit. Couldn't breathe.

Bed. Prone.

34/I prayed. I haven't in a long time, but I did to whoever was maybe listening. I missed my mom and aunt, they've been gone for a while now, so maybe I would be seeing them soon and that calmed me.

I cried in self pity then, so many regrets, so many things I still wanted to do!

35/It was so quiet in my building, in my apartment. Couldn't even hear the sound of my fridge. My knee started aching, so I shifted on my side, propped up my knee over a pillow.

I was breathing halfway deep. Wondered if I'll be able to sleep. Then I slept.