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Christopher hasn’t left the house for the last 3+ weeks. Today, Christopher left the house to help deliver food to 1st responders. The dog is crying like he’s going to be gone 4ever. I prob would cry too but I know he is bringing A&W for breakfast when he gets back. 
The dog never cries when I leave for work. Which makes me feel like I don’t matter sometimes, but I 100% get it. Christopher is the kind of person you cling to like sunshine. I’ve been such a dark thundercloud since I moved in with his family and he’s the only light in my life.
I tell myself I will get better once we have our own place but this pandemic has put a wrench in those plans, so I’ve been feeling particularly dark and thundery lately (not to mention the hormones right now). We went away for the first time in 10 years last month and
it’s the happiest I had been since November when we went away just the two of us for our anniversary, so I know it’s the environment that we are living in that is making us so miserable. I tell myself that I will get better when we are gone but I’m not so sure.
I’m pretty sure when we have our own place the dog will still only cry for Christopher. I tend to put up a wall with ppl when I feel unwanted like a PTSD trauma response from growing up with my dad who hasn’t talked to me in 3+ years. I think I’m putting up that same wall with
the dog so I don’t feel as hurt. And this is where my mind goes, down deep dark rabbit holes until I forget what triggered the descent. It makes me wonder if I wrote a book what it would be about. Probably a cross between an Edgar Allan Poe and Sylvia Plath poem, but not
nearly as elegant or put together. All of the characters would inevitably end up hating each other in the end. I don’t have the kind of self-esteem it takes to write anything. In fact, I will probably delete this thread when I wake up for burgers bc I’ll feel like I revealed
too much and no one cares what I have to say. So, if you do see this before I delete it I apologize. I also apologize for everything I do bc that apparently is also a trauma response. But that’s another topic for a different thread I will prob never tweet about. Have a good day!
