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as much as I love & require mutual pining, there& #39;s just something about Bucky knowing since forever that he will always be in love with Steve, and Steve Not Getting It until it& #39;s too late -- after Bucky has gone thru every stage and accepted it, & then decides to try and move on.
imagine a Bucky who learns to live with this painful, beautiful ache in his chest whenever he thinks of Steve, and knowing (thinking) Steve will never love him back like that. knowing (thinking) Steve just doesn& #39;t like men like that.
& Steve has no idea.
& Steve has no idea.
it& #39;s bittersweet; they& #39;ve always been close. tactile. it& #39;s so easy to think the Looks and the lingering touches and late-night cuddles could lead to something Else. that maybe Steve might feel the same.
it& #39;s so easy to pretend it all means something More.
it& #39;s so easy to pretend it all means something More.
it confused Bucky when he came in out of the cold. his first memories were of Steve & the tsunami of feeling Steve invoked within him. he thought, at first, that he & Steve were --
& then Bucky learns he was good at keeping secrets long before he ever became the Winter Soldier.
& then Bucky learns he was good at keeping secrets long before he ever became the Winter Soldier.
(Steve, ofc, doesn& #39;t know why Bucky suddenly stops being so clingy one day, only that he liked it so much, and misses it, and wonders if maybe he did something wrong.
but he doesn& #39;t wanna force anything on Bucky, so he doesn& #39;t push like he might have, once upon a time.)
but he doesn& #39;t wanna force anything on Bucky, so he doesn& #39;t push like he might have, once upon a time.)
(Steve wants to, tho. he sleeps so much better when Bucky is there, and waking up to Bucky& #39;s hair in his mouth, Bucky& #39;s face smushed into his neck, was the singularly most precious and perfect part of his mornings. he& #39;d started looking forward to crawling into bed every night.)
(now, the only time Bucky will sleep in the same bed is if Steve has a nightmare and, desperate to feel Bucky warm and alive and breathing in his arms, he quietly begs Bucky to stay.
Bucky can& #39;t refuse him -- and doesn& #39;t want to.)
Bucky can& #39;t refuse him -- and doesn& #39;t want to.)
(it never occurs to Steve that this feeling never really goes away; he always wants Bucky in his arms. he always wants Bucky close.
but that was true Before, too, when they were young and dumb and the war hadn& #39;t yet torn them up and torn them apart. that& #39;s nothing new.)
but that was true Before, too, when they were young and dumb and the war hadn& #39;t yet torn them up and torn them apart. that& #39;s nothing new.)
so Bucky finds happiness doing what he& #39;s always done: he takes care of Steve however he can, watches out for him, supports him, and loves him quietly.
& because it always happens when you& #39;re not looking for it, Bucky meets someone.
& he thinks: why not.
& because it always happens when you& #39;re not looking for it, Bucky meets someone.
& he thinks: why not.
& it throws Steve for a loop because he didn& #39;t know Bucky liked men. it confuses the hell out of him; he& #39;s sad because he made Bucky think he wouldn& #39;t accept him, & he desperately wants Bucky to be happy -- but then there& #39;s this weird tangle of emotion he doesn& #39;t have words for.
he had no issues whatsoever with queer folks, before or after the ice, and fully supports it. but, for some reason, seeing Bucky with another man illicits this visceral gut-punch of repulsion he can& #39;t immediately identify.
it takes him a long time to figure out it& #39;s jealousy.
it takes him a long time to figure out it& #39;s jealousy.
Steve, who& #39;s been dating someone else for a while. it& #39;s been kinda strained, what with all his thoughts and priorities and time all focused and tangled up in Bucky, but he& #39;s still, technically, in a relationship -- even tho he seems to forget that sometimes.
it should be a good thing. Bucky seems happier since this weird distance came between them, and Steve can put more focus and effort into his own relationship. it& #39;s a win-win all around.
(Steve, ofc, still doesn& #39;t realize Bucky suddenly becoming less clingy happened right around the time he went on a date, that this "weird distance" only came up when Bucky found out about it. he still doesn& #39;t know why he was so reluctant to admit it in the first place.)
(all Steve knows is he came home after a pleasant date looking forward to crawling into bed with Bucky like he always does, and Bucky wasn& #39;t there.
and then Bucky never came back.)
and then Bucky never came back.)
Steve maybe panics, a little.
it starts with Steve waiting for Bucky to get home. it& #39;s so reminiscent of Before; the same tightness in his gut, the same anxiety, the same simmering something he could never put his finger on. he brushes it off as being justifiably worried abt Bucky & thinks nothing of it.
Bucky thinks it& #39;s cute, at first, but it happens every time he comes home from a date. every. single. time. without fail, Steve will be sitting on the couch, badly attempting nonchalance while he tries to grill Bucky for details as subtly as possible (read: blatant as all hell).
and Steve misses him. fiercely, desperately. Bucky doesn& #39;t bake as much anymore; doesn& #39;t cook or sit with him, quietly keeping him company with a book while Steve paints; doesn& #39;t take little catnaps in sunbeams; doesn& #39;t seek him out just for the sake of comfort.
there& #39;s no gentle humming in the background, no music. instead of them spending days rediscovering the world around them together, Bucky is usually texting on his phone.
he still makes plenty of time for Steve, ofc & will cancel a date w/o hesitation if Steve is on a mission.
he still makes plenty of time for Steve, ofc & will cancel a date w/o hesitation if Steve is on a mission.
but it& #39;s not the same. it& #39;s not enough.
Steve feels selfish for it, and ashamed, but he& #39;s greedy for Bucky& #39;s time, Bucky& #39;s attention. he& #39;s always been greedy for Bucky, but now he& #39;s aware of it so vividly, in a way that startles him.
Steve feels selfish for it, and ashamed, but he& #39;s greedy for Bucky& #39;s time, Bucky& #39;s attention. he& #39;s always been greedy for Bucky, but now he& #39;s aware of it so vividly, in a way that startles him.
all this time, Bucky& #39;s been the one reaching out, over and over again. and now that he& #39;s not always there to come home to, Steve is floundering. he doesn& #39;t know how to get that closeness back, doesn& #39;t know how to ask -- doesn& #39;t even know what it is he wants to ask for.
it consumes him.
guiltily, Bucky enjoys the attention. it almost feels like Steve is doting on him; where, before, Bucky would have to work up the courage to find Steve for company, esp on bad days when it& #39;s hard to remember he deserves good things, Steve is just... always there now.
they go for walks and Steve throws an arm over his shoulder in a reversal of Before, or with a hand protectively against the small of his back; when they watch movies, Steve is a long line of heat and muscle against his side, practically nudging Bucky onto his lap.
it& #39;s a little frustrating that Bucky can& #39;t even spend a night out without Steve giving him the Worried eyes, but Bucky knows that& #39;s just how Steve is.
(secretly, he likes it. he& #39;s always liked Steve& #39;s attention. he just needs to remind himself it& #39;ll never be anything more.)
(secretly, he likes it. he& #39;s always liked Steve& #39;s attention. he just needs to remind himself it& #39;ll never be anything more.)
& he knows this is eating away at his progress, bit by bit, but he& #39;s always been weak for Steve. how is he supposed to say no when Steve looks at him like that, when Steve asks so sweetly, when Steve wants to be all up on him all of a sudden?
Steve, who brings home all these gifts, big and small, for no other reason than because he thinks Bucky will like them. who keeps reaching out to him, who keeps being relentlessly THERE all the time that Bucky catches himself thinking, "maybe?" more than once.
it& #39;s not Steve& #39;s fault that it& #39;s slowly killing him. all these mixed signals are messing with his poor heart, making him think there might be a chance -- but no. he knows better. he& #39;s had a fucking century to know better.
it& #39;s just Steve being overprotective, is all.
it& #39;s just Steve being overprotective, is all.
except, it& #39;s not. (not JUST that, anyway.)
Steve can& #39;t seem to help himself; he hugs Bucky all the time, plays with his hair -- watches Bucky, always. it& #39;s like everything is ramped up to 100 & he wants. he wants so badly. his fingers constantly itch to touch, so he does.
Steve can& #39;t seem to help himself; he hugs Bucky all the time, plays with his hair -- watches Bucky, always. it& #39;s like everything is ramped up to 100 & he wants. he wants so badly. his fingers constantly itch to touch, so he does.
eventually, Steve& #39;s relationship dissolves. he feels guilty abt that -- his ma taught him better than to neglect his date -- but, mostly, he feels relieved.
(he knows he& #39;s fucked when all he can think abt is how now he has more time to spend with Bucky without interruption.)
(he knows he& #39;s fucked when all he can think abt is how now he has more time to spend with Bucky without interruption.)
except there& #39;s still the problem of Bucky& #39;s... other person.
he& #39;s immensely annoyed w/ himself for realizing he& #39;s in love w/ his best friend a century too late. how is he supposed to pitch woo and court and shit when Bucky& #39;s already involved w/ someone else?
he& #39;s immensely annoyed w/ himself for realizing he& #39;s in love w/ his best friend a century too late. how is he supposed to pitch woo and court and shit when Bucky& #39;s already involved w/ someone else?
he& #39;s such an idiot.
(Sam & Natasha emphatically agree: literally everyone else on the planet figured this out ages ago, so how the hell did the supposed, lauded Tactical Genius of His Generation take so long to figure this out???
but that doesn& #39;t exactly help him figure out how to fix this, so.)
but that doesn& #39;t exactly help him figure out how to fix this, so.)
similarly, things are strained with Bucky& #39;s new beau. it& #39;s hard competing with Captain fucking America, after all.
still, Bucky is determined to try. the guy is nice (and also a swole ass beefcake -- he has a type okay), and, stubbornly, he wants to hang on.
still, Bucky is determined to try. the guy is nice (and also a swole ass beefcake -- he has a type okay), and, stubbornly, he wants to hang on.
he knows he& #39;ll never stop loving Steve, and he& #39;s embraced it, but there& #39;s gotta be a way to live around it. he has needs, he has desires. Steve will probably get married one day, & what will Bucky do then?
so he spends a while googling gay sex in the 21st century, and plans.
so he spends a while googling gay sex in the 21st century, and plans.
Steve does not like this plan.
he watches Bucky getting all dolled for his date, and feels like he& #39;s losing something all over again. Bucky& #39;s "I& #39;m getting ready to get laid" ritual hasn& #39;t changed much from the 30s (with a few notable differences). there& #39;s this weird distance, again, and he can& #39;t stand it.
Bucky pats himself down, carefully arranges his long, pretty hair. Steve wants to touch him so badly.
"how do I look?" he asks, still fidgeting in the mirror.
Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. he smells so nice. "beautiful," he manages, and can& #39;t stop staring.
"how do I look?" he asks, still fidgeting in the mirror.
Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. he smells so nice. "beautiful," he manages, and can& #39;t stop staring.
something in his tone makes Bucky pause. those big, silver-blue eyes look at him, and Steve soaks up the care, the affection in that gaze.
"you okay?"
what will he do, Steve wonders, if Bucky falls in love with someone else? what will he do of Bucky wants to leave?
"Steve?"
"you okay?"
what will he do, Steve wonders, if Bucky falls in love with someone else? what will he do of Bucky wants to leave?
"Steve?"
he opens his mouth to tell reassure Bucky, because this isn& #39;t about Steve. if Bucky is happy, so is he, and that& #39;s all there is to it. he should have said something, done something a lifetime ago; he should have gotten his head out of his ass before he lost his chance.
he has to let Bucky go.
but what he actually says is, "I love you."
Bucky blinks at him for a moment while Steve freezes like a deer in headlights, paralyzed by his own stupidity. "I love you, too, Stevie."
like it& #39;s easy. like he& #39;s saying the sky is blue and water is wet, and he loves Steve.
but Steve knows it& #39;s not the same.
like it& #39;s easy. like he& #39;s saying the sky is blue and water is wet, and he loves Steve.
but Steve knows it& #39;s not the same.
in for a penny, in for a pound.
"no, Buck," he tries again, "I mean, I *love* you."
Bucky frowns. Steve thinks: Christ, he& #39;s beautiful. "I know, I *love* you, too."
Steve runs a hand down his burning face, frustrated, heart pounding. "no, Buck, I& #39;m *in love with* you."
"no, Buck," he tries again, "I mean, I *love* you."
Bucky frowns. Steve thinks: Christ, he& #39;s beautiful. "I know, I *love* you, too."
Steve runs a hand down his burning face, frustrated, heart pounding. "no, Buck, I& #39;m *in love with* you."
third time& #39;s the charm, he thinks wildly.
Bucky blinks at him again, but this time, he& #39;s as still as a statue. he stares at Steve so long that Steve briefly, hysterically contemplates the merits of running, then savagely beats that thought into submission. instead, he squares his shoulders & takes a deep breath.
