If a recipe says shit like 'cook the onions until they're translucent, about 3 mins' they're lying. It takes 10-15 mins to achieve this. It's likely they will start to colour, which leads me on to the next thing. /3

Water is your friend. A splash will stop your onions from burning, thin that sauce, make that pastry rollable. /4

If you're going to roast or bake something for dinner, lash on a tray of roast veg for lunch the next day, or a cake. If you pinch the tray from the grill you'll have 3 shelves. Cheaper and better for the planet.

You might be baking with you kids. Do NOT begin with scones. Scones need the gentlest touch, like pastry. Make fairy cakes or a Victoros sandwich that will withstand their overzealous mixing. /6

It's good to look in your fridge and come up with new dishes. But some combinations just don't work. I was once served sardines with strawberry puree, which was muck. However mackerel with pickled rhubarb was sublime. Think about what you're doing.

Don't be afraid of heat. Most domestic hobs can't reach the temperatures an industrial one can. As soo as you throw a steak, chicken breast, bag of mince on a pan the temperature will plummet. You'll be left with a pale, simmering stew rather than a burnished prime cut. /8

Maldon is my favourite salt, but it's not cheap. Use any ould table salt for boiling pasta etc and save the good shit for when you'll notice the diffrence. /9

'From scratch' doesn't mean you can't take shortcuts. I couldn't be arsed roasting and skinning peppers for romesco or muhammara etc. Lidl sell them in jars and if you rinse them well they work a treat.

You are not cooking in a restaurant. Some dishes are impossible to recreate perfectly at home. Commercial pizza ovens are set at 2 temperatures; very hot at the bottom for a crispy base and cooler on top so as not to burn the cheese. Accept this and get on with it. /11

Also most restaurant cookbooks are coffee table books. You're cooking your way through a plague, in closer quarters than any of us ever imagined. For the purposes of this exercise, foams and gels are for the bathroom. Getting an omelette and chips onto the table is no mean feat.

I worked in some decent kitchens but never in one where we made vegetable or chicken stock. The bubbling pot of what's known as 'jus' is another story.) It's okay to buy stock. They vary quite a bit. Some taste too strongly of celery, some have gluten or MSG. Try them out. /13

However..I make chicken stock most weeks. I roast two chickens and serve one for dinner. The other I strip down for coronation chicken or a pie. I put both carcasses in the slow cooker overnight with water and aromatics then use the stock for soup, risotto, etc.

Thanks, the whole lovely lot of you. I thought 5 people would see this and was a tad sloppy about spelling, grammar etc...thanks for not pointing it out. SO. I keep root ginger in the freezer and leave it out for about 5 mins before grating. Then I freeze it again. /15

Top of the morning. Tinned tomatoes are better for cooking. Only buy the chopped ones because the whole ones take years to break down. They ALWAYS need a bit of sugar, more than a pinch. Do it to taste, but take it handy or there will be a ketchupy vibe. /16

Always slice fresh tomatoes with a serrated knife. I have a small one that I use for lemons too, or you can use a steak knife or the bread knife. The acid from tomatoes will wreck your straight blade, blunt it almost immediately. I don't know why, but it does.

My sister says I told her about this onion thing. When you cut an onion it will find the first wet thing. If that happens to be your eyeballs you'll cry. If your knife is wet and you've rinsed the onion, you cry less. I am not sure of the science but it helps. /18

We're getting feck all exercise and this could go on for weeks or months. Baking a cake with your kids every other day isn't really sustainable. Get them to help with actual meals. Small ones can roll meatballs or falafels, pick herbs, mash avocados... /19

Older ones can use knives, peelers, graters. (It's up to you to decide what age or which child; my daughter was handy with a knife at 7 or 8 but there are adults I wouldn't like to see wielding a blade.) /20