I don't know how to begin this but I just really want to let it out to at least ease the pain I'm feeling now, and indeed to acknowledge the hatred I'm keeping ever since.

A thread.

I could say as for my marriage, it's not the always-happy type especially I had this kind of mother-in-law.

The beginning of our marriage isn't that good. You see? After ng kasal namin, a day after, I didn't expect I could feel that kind of pain after all.

As for two years of relationship as bf-gf, I have access sa fb and messenger ng husband ko. Well, it's not that I don't trust him but it's a way na aminin nating girls, pag che-check sa taong MAHAL natin. Baka kasi may ahas diba? So far wala naman.

But what stabbed my heart was a message from my mother-in-law for my husband sarcastically questioning him if he was really lucky to have me as his wife and also having my family. Plus the cursing words PUTANGINA that I had never received from my parents.

During this time, nagsama na kami ng asawako after ng kasal namin. I was too emotional upon reading this. What hurt me was her telling me that I was really OA. Kung hindi ako buntis pwede pang nag-iinarte ako pero I'M FUCKING PREGNANT. Hindi ba normal magsuka? The heck.

That time, dinugo ako. Siguro dahil na stressed ako at masakit kasi sa pakiramdam yung ganyang mababasa mo. Pero anong sabi pa? OA ako sa mga ganyan ko. Nang dahil lang sa load ganyan siya makapag salita sa anak niya. Pati ako damay?

I kept it for myself but I knew my husband knew it for sure that I had seen messages from his mother via messenger. I didn't say it to my parents even to my siblings. So imagine how painful it was na wala kang mapagsabihan ng sakit na nararamdaman mo.

Lahat naman ng pinakita ng pamilya ko sa kanila hindi pagiging plastic pero ewan ko ba kung bakit ako at kami pa talaga ang plastic? I held myself from confronting her that time kasi ayoko mastress that time kasi hindi okay pagbubuntis ko. Pero wala. The pain is still here.

Pinalagpas ko lahat ng yun at nagdasal na lang na baka sinusubok lang kaming mag-asawa ni God at malalagpasan namin yun para sa anak namin. Thank God, nakarecover ako from the pain of that scenario dahil na rin sa pag aasikaso sakin ng asawako.

Marami pang mga masasakit na salita ang natanggap ko from my mother-in-law. And all of those were indirect. Why not just tell it to me directly diba at hindi kung anu ano ichachat sa asawako para ano? Mag away kami? No wonder. Gusto nilang maghiwalay kami.

In almost 5 years na pagsasama naming mag-asawa, there were times that I really want to give up at isauli na lang asawako sa nanay niya na hindi ko malaman kung ano bang kasalanang nagawa ko sa kanya kung bakit ganyan siya mag isip sa akin while I only treated her as my mother.

I couldn't enumerate one by one those scenes na nasaktan niya ako indirectly but I knew to myself na wala akong pinakitang di maganda sa kanya ever since. Samahan pa ng tita ng asawako na mas dumagdag pa. I even blocked her (tita) right now sa fb.

Why? She's telling and concluding things na hindi naman niya alam kung ano nangyari? Tapos magsasabi na para bang wala akong pakialam sa anak ako? The F*ck diba? Out of all people ako pa talaga? I AM JUST THE MOTHER and I will do everything for my son, for PETE'S SAKE!

Before this quarantine and COVID-19 gets worse, my husband and I had a big fight that for THE FIRST TIME involved my family - my mama, sister, and our youngest brother. Wanna know why? Tsk.. Frustrating.

My husband worked at Conrad Hotel in Pasay and we're currently living here in Cavite. He used to bike as means of his transportation. Before this COVID problem rises, his company was already planning for the consequences. With this, I had noticed that his anxiety began.

It was Friday and his schedule was 9-6 pm. I had this Monitoring app from which you can know where a person is and so I had it installed in my husband's phone para malaman ko kung nakarating na ba siya sa work niya o hindi pa o kung nasaan siya. It's for tracking purpose.

A notification popped up in my phone saying that my husband already left from work. So I wondered why? Maaga pa eh. Past 5 pm pa lang. Bakit pauwi na siya at nag undertime? So I checked his messenger and I had read one of his GCs. GC yun ng mga kalaro niya sa Marvels at PUBG.

In his GC, they were talking na maglalaro an'ya sila pagkauwi ng asawako. So I thought baka naman kaya umuwi ng maaga asawako kasi maglalaro sila? So ayun na nga, as he arrived home, he went upstairs na wala man lang pagpansin sa'min ng anak niya. So sinong di maiinis diba?

So me, after an hour knowing na nakapag pahinga naman na siguro siya sa pagba-bike, sumunod ako sa room namin and there, I saw him na naglalaro sa phone niya na mas lalo kong kinainis justifying my 'thought' of him going home early just because of his fucking game kesa samin. tsk

I argued with him and told him na wala na naman siyang inatupag kundi CP niya. Ni hindi man lang niya pinansin anak niya pagkauwi at inuna pa talaga ang paglalaro. I was mad yet he remained silent. He even barely said a word. Kaya nanahimik na lang din ako.

Dinner time. I went upstairs again and told him na kakain na but he refused and said "ayokong kumain. Wala akong gana". So kesa makipagtalo, hinayaan ko na lang siya and told mama na busog pa siya. Well, lagi ko naman siyang pinagtatakpan kahit minsan mali na.

After eating, umakyat na kami ng anak ko sa room pati sina mama and siya naman ang bumaba at lumabas para bumili ng alak. I just let him. That's his way of stressing out. Ayoko namang sitahin na hays. Since I was tired and my son was sleepy, we fell asleep after a while.

Before I fell asleep, nag 'My Day' ako muna. Then, it was past 10 pm when I was awaken by a missed call from his mom and a loud voice outside (my husband). And a message from her na nangangamusta. I said sorry for the late reply since nakatulog na po ako kako.

She asked kung may ubo pa ba asawako.She was worried since one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is cough nga. And I replied wala naman na kasi naagapan naman ng gamot. Then, after replying, I saw chat messages from my husband about my MyDay and asking what do I know of 'Saiko' his CN.

I knew so well that he's already drunk so I decided to go downstairs and checked on him. He kept on asking me about that Saiko thing but I just ignored him for I know he's drunk already. I started cleaning his mess but he started being aggressive. Tumataas na boses niya sa'kin.

My husband's voice was too loud and nahihiya ako kasi nasa labas pa siya nag iingay at may mga kapit-bahay pang gising sa katabi namin na nakakarinig sa kanya na ako naman todo awat sa kanyang tama na at lasing na siya. He kept on insisting that he's not. May kayabangan kasi.

Pinabayaan ko siya for almost 30 minutes and told him, tama ng inom. But he was hard-headed and still bought another bottle. Naiinis na talaga ako sobra. Pag akyat ko, I can't sleep na dahil naririnig ko na naman siyang nag-iingay at may kausap sa cp. Halatang galit na siya.

After talking to whoever it was (Di ko maintindihan since Panggalatok usapan nila), pinuntahan ko siya at pinipilit na pumasok na. But he angrily pushed me, and he threw his phone sa inis dahil bakit di ko daw siya maintindihan. I kept on dragging him inside the house.

He's ill-tempered so he suddenly grabbed his bike and gave me his phone while shouting, "Oh ayan sayo na. kunin mo na!" Hindi ko agad naabot kaya he threw it and I picked it up while holding so hard in his bike. Lasing na kasi siya. Baka mapano sya pag nagbike pa. I was scared.

I got slightly wounded trying to lock the wheel of his bike para di niya na magamit. We're in the middle of the street nag aagawan sa bike niya. Giving up, he pushed the bike forward na muntik ko ng ikatumba. Then he left walking and I don't have any idea of where he would go.

Since no one was outside and I was worried na baka mapag tripan siya sa labas dahil lasing na, I went to mama and my sister and woke them up and told them na lasing na asawako at di ko alam san na nagpunta. So, Mama and I went outside to look for him at the middle of the night.

We went to stores, sideways, and roads. Nagbabakasakali na andun siya but we didn't find him not until a few minutes more of walking, we saw him biking toward us cuing us that he was already home and went also looking for us. Siguro my sister told him na naghahanap kami sa kanya.

As we arrived home, he was sitting with gritted teeth. Tahimik lang si Mama. Ako naman naiinis na natatakot. Then, he started talking too loud explaining kung bakit di niya kami pinansin pagkauwi niya from work at kung bakit naiwas siya. I pleaded na wag sya magtaas ng boses.

I tell you it was the first time I really got SCARED like HELL with my husband. I was so mad and hurt that time. He explained that the reason why he did that earlier was that he was afraid of himself. Afraid that he might have the virus at baka mahawaan niya kami kaya sya naiwas

He started raising his voice too loud and my mama told him crying. "Tama na son.Maawa ka sa'min. Natatakot na kami sayo. Kung natatakot ka pala para samin na mahawa mo, magpacheck-up ka na.Isipin mo asawa at anak mo." My mama and sister broke down and started crying and so did I.

He said he was worried. Pero wala naman na siyang ubo. Natatakot siya kasi sa trabaho niya he was proned to exposing himself to different people especially Chinese and they didn't even know na baka daw mga yun ay may virus na. Hindi na bale daw siya ang magkasakit wag lang kami.

He was also worried about our expenses lalo na dahil sa lockdown. Paano na daw kami? He was really frustrated and down na hindi niya mapakalma sarili niya at sinasabi sakin na bakit di ko daw siya maintindihan. I backed up and told him na paano ko siya maiintindihan?

"Pa'no kita maiintindihan kung wala ka namang sinasabi? Tinatago mo lang sa sarili mo. Pa'no ka namin matutulungan kung ganyan. Kung alam ko lang eh di sana di kita sinita. Kaso wala kang sinasabi. Sa ibang tao ko pa malalaman." I told him ng painis while holding back my tears.

He stood up with flaming eyes out of anger at para na siyang manununtok. Nahihirapan na si Mama'ng huminga dahil sa nangyayari at pinainom siya ng sister ko. My mama hugged him telling him na tama na. Na naiintindihan namin siya pero matigas asawako at sobrang galit sakin.

Since naka-locked na ang pinto at hawak ng kapatid ko ang susi, pilit nyang kinakalampag ang pinto habang pinipigilan siya ni Mama at ng kapatid ko. Sinasaway ako ni Mama na manahimik na. So I stopped and there I lose without even fighting for myself. Lagi naman akong talo.

Lagi naman siya ang tama at ako lagi mali. For him, I always have that lame reasons. Saka niya lang ma-rerealize na may valid reasons ako kung bakit ako nagkakaganito kung kelan madami na kong masasakit na salitang natanggap galing sa kanya.

I knew too well na may lamat na kami. Oo meron na matagal na. But I always keep it for myself na TANGINA HINDI OKAY NA OKAY KAMI. PERO F*CK WE'RE TOTALLY NOT. There were times na sinasabi niya na gusto niya na kaming iwan pero di niya naman magawa. But hearing it? Damn hurt!

It was after a few days saka kami nagkaayos. He apologized of his actions. He even said he was really sorry at natatakot lang siya na baka may sakit na siya. He silently kept himself a distant raw kasi dahil sa stupid virus na yan. I felt relieved when he said he won't leave us.

So after that, days passed smoothly without fights siguro tampuhan kaunti meron. As quarantine days passed by, bond between him and Baby Zion grew stronger and I AM REALLY HAPPY for that. Seeing my son with him feels a one-way ticket to heaven. Not until last night.

Chat messages of my mother-in-law to my husband. Like WTF? Ano bang ginagawa kong masama sayo at ganyan ka makapagsabi about sakin indirectly while sa mga posts ko todo comment ka pa? Pota di ako bastos at marunong akong rumespeto pero masakit na talaga. Sobra na ata lahat.

What pains me and killing me now is what my husband replied.

"di ako takot".

It felt like a thousand knives stabbed me many times.
He's not afraid of losing me.

Now, I am cold. I am numb of pain. I am broken. I am starting to think after this quarantine, ibalik ko na lang kaya siya sa nanay niya? Wala na ata kasi akong magawang tama para sa kanya? Na kung tutuusin wala akong matandaang ginawang ikakagalit nila. My heart.

I know to myself that what we have... OUR FAMILY is still worth fighting. But I am also fragile. I need to feel that I AM WORTH IT. Damn why does it need to feel this way?! It hurts so bad that I can't stop crying. Why am I so afraid to lose a man who feels the opposite.

To end this thread, I just want a complete family even if it takes me being a masochist. It's not for myself anymore but for my son indeed. If this won't work anymore, may the Lord gives me strength to still go on. I know this is just a test - a matter of how strong our love is.