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i want a way to be able to vent, but people don't try to reassure me. they just believe me. i know as a deep, concrete truth that i have no redeeming qualities. no useful skills. a shit personality. a lame sense of humor. when i'm reassured it just extends the delusion.
it pulls me back to feeling like i have a reason to live, something to amount to, a purpose to fulfill. i have none of these. i'm a failure, i'm doomed, a lost cause. i wish so badly that i could just fade to nothing and people would leave me to do so.
i think it's utterly cruel that suicide is hard. hard to convince yourself to do, hard to do correctly. i'm too afraid to try. at least it probably gives people peace of mind that i'll continue living my useless life. i really don't understand why that matters, though.
i'm sick of pretending like i have a shot at life. sick of being fooled into thinking i have a shot at life. i don't. and i'm sick of hiding or semi-hiding these thoughts. i'm fucking miserable and it's because i'm a useless, irredeemable piece of shit.
i'm gonna die starving on the streets some day in the future, reflecting on all the friends i once had, and how little i did with my life. that's my destination in life. i have no motivation, or desire, or ability to make anything more out of my existence.
this is honestly how i view myself. a detriment to everything and everyone. a waste of space. and it's true, truer than any reassurances i receive, because i live through it, i live through these feelings and experiences and i know what i amount to. absolutely nothing worthwhile.
this thread isn't me making any massive changes in my life, nor is it a prelude to me self-harming or making attempts at my life. i'm laying absolutely bare the torment that is my life, because i'm sick of pretending like i can be ok. i can't.
