Hello fellow attorneys.

I was built to practice law in this pandemic.

I am here for you. https://twitter.com/BeakFinch/status/1248055670030639105

I practice in a very niche area of the lawyering world: FINRA Arbitration.

All motion practice and pre-hearing conferences are done telephonically.

Often the first time I lay eyes on my client is the day before a hearing starts.

We don't do depositions.

So here are things I've learned in the nearly 15 years I've been practicing in this weird ass world.

There is a reason we call it the wild wild west of litigation.

It's crazy pants.

- You need to get yourself a bluetooth headset. Now. You can't be on speaker phone and you don't want to be encumbered by having to hold your phone

- You need to be MORE aggressive. It may seem like a lot, but I've seen seasoned litigators who have only practiced in court wither in this setting. They let decorum prevail.

Don't.

Be polite. But speak the fuck up.

- Take full advantage of being able to roll your eyes and slam your head on the desk. It's good for the soul.

- Listen. Listen. Listen.

It's harder to do when you aren't in person. So you have to be super focused (especially if you are neuro atypical like me).

Pretend you are a witness: if you didn't hear something or didn't understand something, ask them to repeat

- Be patient

It will take longer. And the old men running the show will have a hard time doing this. Don't condescend. Have a sense of humor. Acknowledge the ridiculousness of it all.

- Don't fall into familiarity.

Don't address your opposing counsel by first name (that happens a LOT). "Ms. Beak" is appropriate. "Finch" is not.

- Be reasonable and accommodating

If you aren't granting professional courtesy deadline extensions you are a fucking asshole and I wish nothing but a horrible, painful death for you.

- Remember to mute your line when you aren't speaking

Trust me. Please. Just trust me...

- Pace

I swear it helps. I pace my office when I'm arguing telephonic motions. And I also have putty or a fidget spinner in my hands. (Not everyone will need this).

- A second set of ears

If you can get a co-worker (preferably an associate) on the line with you, they will be gold. They don't have to say a thing. Just take notes. Validate you experience. It will be hard to take notes while doing this.

- Let your dog or baby make noises in the background

It's endearing.

And I hate babies.

- Coordinate with Opposing Counsel

Especially if it is just a scheduling conference. Save everyone time and money by checking your calendars beforehand.

- Your writing is going to matter more than ever

Stop with the fucking legalese. Stop with the "Now Comes Some Asshole Attorney"

Tell a story. Tell it in plain language. Advocate from the get go

Take this as an opportunity to change how we approach "legal" writing.

It's all fucking nonsense. The rules. The margins. The font.

FUCK IT ALL.

In short:

Be kind. Be respectful. Listen. Be a zealous advocate. Get your ass a bluetooth headset. And, above all, be patient.

We got this, fam.