Seder highlights, because my family is a disaster:

Decided the bear represents baby Moses, so he needed a basket. Found some fuzzy string and now he has a basket of reeds

For reference, my mom is jewish and my dad is not. My sister and I were raised Humanistic Jewish, so we’re not all really on the same page most of the time anyways. The Haggadah is a weird Humanistic version which mostly removes all the god stuff except when it doesn’t

Haggadah: “This story happened so long ago that we don’t know how much of it is fact and how much is fiction”

Me: “except the pharaoh. We know he was real because we have his body.”

Mom: @Matiopia, find some Jewish music go play in the background, like Fiddler on the Roof or—

Dad: “or the Beastie Boys!”

Haggadah: “blessed art thou o lord our god, creator of the fruit of the vine...”

*All go to drink 1st cup or wine*

My dad, AS we take a sip: “We’re all very impressed down here...”

Haggadah: “we are glad that today we are free—“

Me: “TO SIT IN THIS HOUSE AND NOT LEAVE”

Haggadah: “We take no joy in the suffering of the Egyptian people during the plagues, nor of Pharaoh when he died and stuff. We do not celebrate his demise”

My mom: “This Haggadah is way nicer than normal”

“Yeah, I feel like if trump died we would probably celebrate”

My mom, breaking apart the matzoh and handing it out

My dad: “body of Christ”

My dad: “that’s what say do at church when they eat matzoh!”

My sister: “those are called wafers! Or ‘Jesitz,’ if you will”

My dad, after being asked to cook the green beans in the middle of the seder: “when is dinner?”

My mom: “now!”

My dad: ???

Mom: “dinner is whenever you finish cooking the beans”

Me: “THE BEANS WILL DECIDE”

After:

Dad: “there’s 4 green beans left. Everybody take one!”

Amy: “pass me the ceremonial bean”

My dad paid me $10 to lick the horseradish spoon and I did it

Anyways happy Passover. May people everywhere experience peace and freedom, and may the dumbfucker in charge of this place LET THE PEOPLE IN CAGES FUCKING GO