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Believe me on this, please: the two absolute worst things in the world for making trauma worse than it has to be are feeling helpless/powerless, and not *understanding*. Anyone who thinks my need to know WHY about everything borders on the pathological is entirely correct. /1 https://twitter.com/Methadone_Cat/status/1247850109376901121
It's a coping mechanism. I decided as a very young child that if I didn't understand WHY, I would always be helpless.
Understanding why doesn't guarantee not being helpless in a given situation. But NOT understanding why guarantees you will be - unless you're so powerful in a /2
Understanding why doesn't guarantee not being helpless in a given situation. But NOT understanding why guarantees you will be - unless you're so powerful in a /2
situation that you can bull through it on the strength of that alone. But situations in which I'm that powerful don't trigger me. YMMV.
There are advantages to having lived with trauma my entire conscious life. Oddly enough, my burning need to know WHY EVERYTHING is one of /3
There are advantages to having lived with trauma my entire conscious life. Oddly enough, my burning need to know WHY EVERYTHING is one of /3
them. What Cat is talking about here - the specific things he's recommending doing - are really good ways to discipline your mind to ask itself what, how & why about things we often naturally want to skip over because they fucking hurt to think about. (And for so many other /4
reasons, depending on the person.)
I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of people who actively avoid trying to understand what & why & how. Though I've come to realize that says more about my state of mental health than anyone else's. When it comes to painful /5
I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of people who actively avoid trying to understand what & why & how. Though I've come to realize that says more about my state of mental health than anyone else's. When it comes to painful /5
subjects, the desire to avoid them is far more natural than the desire to dig as deep as one can & dissect as finely as possible, limited only by how much one can bear to think of it at a time. Which is how I get.
It's not a healthy thing, in a healthy mind. Only my mind is /6
It's not a healthy thing, in a healthy mind. Only my mind is /6
not what you'd call healthy, even now. It's much MORE healthy than it was; I might even consider using the term "convalescent". But that's as far as it goes yet.
I've never used the tools Cat's describing in any formal sense, because by the time I got into therapy for the /7
I've never used the tools Cat's describing in any formal sense, because by the time I got into therapy for the /7
first time, I was already obsessed with what & why & how. Because without those, I would ALWAYS be helpless.
(Helplessness turns out to be the only thing I fear more than dopesickness. I'm not quite able to laugh about that yet & for once I'm asking myself if I even want to.) /8
(Helplessness turns out to be the only thing I fear more than dopesickness. I'm not quite able to laugh about that yet & for once I'm asking myself if I even want to.) /8
And I need that obsession still. Trying to make it less powerful would do me more harm than good at this stage. There's so much I didn't have the time or capacity to figure out at the time, which would have eased the damage those things did...so now to fix it I have to go back /9
& figure all those things out, bit by bit, as I become strong enough, resilient enough, to bear it. It will be a process of years, if not the rest of my life. And there's a limit to how much I'll be able to fix. A deep cut that wasn't stitched scars thick & ugly. It is what it/10
is.
That
, or a version of it, is what these tools are meant to prevent from happening. At least limit the damage to a great extent.
*Trauma is cumulative.* I feel like I should have a gif that flashes that sentence in neon red; it's that important.
That's why it's essential/11
That
, or a version of it, is what these tools are meant to prevent from happening. At least limit the damage to a great extent.*Trauma is cumulative.* I feel like I should have a gif that flashes that sentence in neon red; it's that important.
That's why it's essential/11
to identify & understand as many of your triggers as possible. If you don't know what they are, you can't avoid them or prepare yourself in advance if you're not going to be able to.
And if you don't understand WHY, at least little pieces to start with, you can't begin to /12
And if you don't understand WHY, at least little pieces to start with, you can't begin to /12
fix the damage.
Not all triggers are permanent. Not all triggers will trigger you every time, either.
But the more times something triggers you full force, the more damage it does & the harder it is to get rid of later.
I'll never be able to avoid being profoundly triggered /13
Not all triggers are permanent. Not all triggers will trigger you every time, either.
But the more times something triggers you full force, the more damage it does & the harder it is to get rid of later.
I'll never be able to avoid being profoundly triggered /13
by being helpless, for example. Never, no matter what. Why?
Because being triggered by helplessness is so deeply embedded in my psyche that it's one of the foundations of my identity. I can't get rid of it without becoming not-Meg. Not a different version of me; something /14
Because being triggered by helplessness is so deeply embedded in my psyche that it's one of the foundations of my identity. I can't get rid of it without becoming not-Meg. Not a different version of me; something /14
antithetical to my self-conception. Since a person can't do that to themselves without going profoundly & irretrievably insane, I'm stuck.
(I *do* think that's funny. I think it's fucking hilarious. But it's an edgy kind of laughter.)
This has been kind of all over the place./15
(I *do* think that's funny. I think it's fucking hilarious. But it's an edgy kind of laughter.)
This has been kind of all over the place./15
In large part that's because I accidentally triggered the crap out of myself taking a fucking shower & I'm trying to sort myself out. I forgot that if I bathe in the goddamn evening when it's getting close to time to do a shot, & then get cold in the shower, it instantly puts /16
me back in time to living with Jen in that place on Gladstone where the shower was ALWAYS cold, & being dopesick & acutely miserable because dopesick & getting yelled at by another dopesick person all day, & getting chivvied into the shower & it making everything feel so much /17
worse...gah! *shudder shudder shudder*
Anyway, I'm still kinda messy 90 minutes later because it snuck up on me. I wasn't prepared in advance. I was able to salvage it from devolving into a full-blown panic attack by talking myself through what was happening & why, aloud, so /18
Anyway, I'm still kinda messy 90 minutes later because it snuck up on me. I wasn't prepared in advance. I was able to salvage it from devolving into a full-blown panic attack by talking myself through what was happening & why, aloud, so /18
I could finish the damn shower...but of course that meant gritting my teeth through the sensory triggers. Understanding doesn't make them go away; it just limits the damage they do once they're set off.
So half this thread is me trying to deal with that, & the other half is /19
So half this thread is me trying to deal with that, & the other half is /19
me trying to say:
Listen to the Cat, guys. Please. The best way to limit the damage - there is going to be damage, accept it, it's inevitable; but it can be limited - is to understand what & why & how to the best of your ability at the time. This kind of thinking needs to /20
Listen to the Cat, guys. Please. The best way to limit the damage - there is going to be damage, accept it, it's inevitable; but it can be limited - is to understand what & why & how to the best of your ability at the time. This kind of thinking needs to /20
become, if not habitual (ideally it becomes habitual), certainly a regular process. Limit the damage all you can now. When it comes to trauma, the old saw about prevention & cure is literally true. No matter how hard it seems to do now, it will be more than ten times harder /21
to try to fix *unlimited* damage after the fact; how much damage you *can* fix, no matter how hard you try, will also be limited.
It might not kill you. I'm alive, after all. But it will hurt *so much*. And it will require you to change so many things about yourself, and that/22
It might not kill you. I'm alive, after all. But it will hurt *so much*. And it will require you to change so many things about yourself, and that/22
will hurt terribly too. Human beings can adapt a great deal, but it's not a comfortable process.
Please. It's shitty enough I have to put up with the fact that shit like taking a shower can leave my skin feeling too sensitive, my bones aching & my stomach unsettled for two /23
Please. It's shitty enough I have to put up with the fact that shit like taking a shower can leave my skin feeling too sensitive, my bones aching & my stomach unsettled for two /23
hours afterward. I'd intensely prefer to have as little new company as possible.
