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I'm an extremist, so there's almost never any balance with my love. When I fall, thats it. You literally have all of me.
And yes, it is a flaw, but I've been this way for as long as I can remember. So I never let myself actually fall, because it takes too much for me to let go.
And yes, it is a flaw, but I've been this way for as long as I can remember. So I never let myself actually fall, because it takes too much for me to let go.
I've been in love exactly 3 times.
The first time changed a lot for me. I didn't think I would fall, but I think his loss was an actual life changer. He was the first person to show me what a functional relationship looked like. He showed me off, defended me, made me feel safe.
The first time changed a lot for me. I didn't think I would fall, but I think his loss was an actual life changer. He was the first person to show me what a functional relationship looked like. He showed me off, defended me, made me feel safe.
And he was SO funny. I liked the attention, I liked how he liked me, but I didn't think I would like him like that. It only hit me till the day he was travelling (school) and I couldn't stop crying that I realized whew, I have falleeeen.
I was in Gey Hey then, and I HATED school but I would call him from the phonebooth in cape coast (+121...my poor phonecards) because just talking to him made me feel so much better.
I almost got suspended once, and I called him crying and he started singing My Chick Bad.
I almost got suspended once, and I called him crying and he started singing My Chick Bad.
More than anything, he was kind, and patient with me and that special kind of love is next to impossible to replace when you lose. I could write books on everything he ever said and did, because I still havent forgotten. Maybe one day I'll write in detail about him.
So anyway he died. I know lol. I can not even begin to tell you what it feels like.
But losing love like that as suddenly as I did fills you with fear. There's pain and everything, but you're suddenly scared everytime someone you love leaves your side.
But losing love like that as suddenly as I did fills you with fear. There's pain and everything, but you're suddenly scared everytime someone you love leaves your side.
Its like a permanent stomach ache, and you cant breathe. It hurt even more, because in the back of my head I was pretty sure I would never find anyone that special who made me actually want to love someone like that again.
Scared to fall because, what if something happens to this one too? I compared everyone I ever met to him and of course no one measured up. I was perfectly fine, being on my own, with just his memory.
And I suppose I was, but then...
And I suppose I was, but then...
#2 came along.
I'm an emotional hoarder. So here I was, still holding on to the pain from losing number 1, refusing to let anyone in. Making really bad decisions too because anything to let the pain stop. I've always been cynical,but that is when all hope of that changing ended.
I'm an emotional hoarder. So here I was, still holding on to the pain from losing number 1, refusing to let anyone in. Making really bad decisions too because anything to let the pain stop. I've always been cynical,but that is when all hope of that changing ended.
(Lmao his first anniversary I tried to drink, but it was my first time (actual first time was different) & I ended up throwing up the quarter shot I had tried to drink.)
So #2. WHAT A RIDE. It didnt start out that way. For the longest time, I thought maybe I was just attached, but nah, I actually did love him. He came at a time when I was lost and I needed someone to understand my pain. I was full on spiralling.
We bonded over our shared trauma and next thing you know, guess who had fallen.
First red flag, he had a girlfriend that I didn't know about till our first date. Already in love, plus I had convinced myself "emotional cheating" didn't count so I rationalized it and stayed.
First red flag, he had a girlfriend that I didn't know about till our first date. Already in love, plus I had convinced myself "emotional cheating" didn't count so I rationalized it and stayed.
#2 was great. No one made me feel more beautiful than he did. I still wasnt 100% in because, trauma. He too was really funny (clearly there's a running theme). We got along really really well. Then one day, I kissed someone else.
It was pretty premeditated, because I actually texted him before that happened, "If anything happens, remember I still love you". And I swear I didnt see anything wrong with it.
He forgave me but it was never the same.
He forgave me but it was never the same.
Thats when I saw this other side of him. For about 5 years, it was back and forth fights. When he was angry, he would call me names on twitter, and his boys would kikikiki. But I was still so in love with the first version of him, I couldnt see that maybe this was him.
Those were some terrible years. He would tell everyone we were just friends, disrespect me in front of everyone, and treat me terribly. I once had the pleasure of seeing him sing Holy Grail to a girl at a party we both were at. In private though, wow, completely different person.
He taught me that you can walk away from someone you love. That love isnt bondage, and you can stop. Because one day I had just had it. He started to yell at me and called me names infront of his friends in town and that was the last straw. I left the place and was just done.
(We're friends now that we've both gotten a little more sense though)
And #3. The best and worst relationship I have ever been in. You know that overly intense love that can kill you? That was #3.
He was perfect at first. If I had written a book on who I wanted, he checked every single box. We talked for a couple of months before we actually met.
He was perfect at first. If I had written a book on who I wanted, he checked every single box. We talked for a couple of months before we actually met.
My goodness. If this boy needed a kidney, I would have done the surgery myself. First person I introduced to my mother. First person I introduced to my family as "okay, this is my mans". He was the first person for me for a lot of things. Yo I was in love love.
Suddenly this was me going on double dates and doing things I said I would never do for a man. And he wasnt useless, he encouraged me to get my shit together.
But then the cracks started to appear and guys, aye. Herh. Noooo.
But then the cracks started to appear and guys, aye. Herh. Noooo.
Number 3 taught me the worst of all relationship lessons.
He taught me that the moment a man shows he cant commit, dont stay and think it'll change. Because men are great at giving hope.
You cant change a man, and some people are decent people but terrible partners.
He taught me that the moment a man shows he cant commit, dont stay and think it'll change. Because men are great at giving hope.
You cant change a man, and some people are decent people but terrible partners.
Do you know what hurt is? Hearing that the person you've been with for 2 years has told everyone who will listen that he was just using you and you were never together. Repeatedly forgiving someone who intentionally wont stop hurting you (because mumu).
Listening to recorded conversations between him and his ex where he bashes you. Having people create fake accounts on social media to advise you to leave him (those ones were funny). Going into a public place and seeing multiple people he cheated with. Defending him anyway.
And then having to reconcile all of that with the person who's tearfully asking you to hear him out because its not what it looks like. Knowing that you can not possible love another man more than you love him and praying he'll change but KNOWING he wont.
It's watching yourself sink lower and lower into becoming a horrible person because the pain is taking over your life and turning you into a vile creature because you're just so unhappy. Its you asking a man to do right by you when you know you shouldnt have to.
It's the permanent pain in your chest from being lied to, lied on, manipulated and gaslit to your breaking point.
And then having to dig yourself out of the dark hole he put you in.
And then having to dig yourself out of the dark hole he put you in.
Whew.
No I'm okay lmao, if i was still going through
I definitely wouldn't be sharing it.
No I'm okay lmao, if i was still going through
I definitely wouldn't be sharing it.
But as cliche as it is, the main thing i learnt from #3 was guard your heart. Dont be falling up and down and expecting people who havent earned it to take care of it. Dont ignore red flags. Regardless of how much you love someone, its not worth your mental health.
Because I can laugh now, but I was SUFFERING herh. And I had to admit that I was to blame too, because I had always had the option to walk away. I couldnt put it on anyone that I didnt.
I couldn't blame anyone for my reactions either, and letting myself become the angry person I was was honestly on me. So there's that too.
I suppose you can say he taught me that I cant blame my reactions on my stressors.
I suppose you can say he taught me that I cant blame my reactions on my stressors.
Also, that people can be amazing on their own, but terrible partners. Because I #3 wasnt a bad person, just a really really bad partner. So the trick is to find a good person who's an equally good partner.
Anywayyyy. If I fall again, I'll update the thread. xx
Anywayyyy. If I fall again, I'll update the thread. xx
