CW: death
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Does anyone else get completely overwhelmed trying to process the fact that one day they will die, just completely disappear, and no matter what you do, you can’t change that?

Please don‘t reply if you don‘t have this.

When I was little, every night while waiting to fall asleep, I would get this falling, sinking feeling in my chest and stomach.

I thought „This is what dying is like.“
But I was little.
I convinced myself I could be immortal.
Or at least still had 90 years.

I know better now.

For quite some years this feeling didn‘t happen so often anymore.

For a while I almost forgot I used to get it.

Then it came back.

Now I am older. And sick.
I know I am not immortal.
And I know I probably won‘t make it to 90.
I‘m probably past 50%.
And I‘m terrified.

Now I get it more often again.
And it‘s becoming more severe.

I get meltdowns.
I get anxiety and panic attacks.
I cry.

Nothing I can do will make any difference in the end.

I can‘t process this.

The fact that I frequently don‘t feel alive anymore isn‘t helping at all.

I don‘t talk to people about this.

People can‘t handle it.

Nothing they say or do helps.
And they just get annoyed, or sad, or whatever.

I can‘t talk to anyone about this.

It‘s killing me. How ironic.

Anyways. If you get this...you‘re not alone.

Again. PLEASE don‘t reply to this if you don‘t get this.

I really can‘t cope with any form of positive, encouraging, whatever talk about this topic anymore - but especially not right now, and especially not as a reply here.

Please don‘t.

One go-to response I get is „But you also wouldn‘t want to live forever.“

And I‘m like...yes I would actually.
I would like to live forever so I don‘t have to die.

Religion is another top contender.
I can‘t convince myself of any religious beliefs, so they don‘t help me at all.