Some... reflections, from my OWN life.
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There’s many reasons why people, especially those of marginalized genders, stay in unhealthy relationships. A lesser talked about reason is the fact that we do not live in a culture that makes space for the notion that you can love someone deeply, but choose not to be with them.

Sure, people SAY it. But we don’t live in a society that actually give us tangible tools to really embody it. We still live in a very either/or culture when it comes to relationships.

There really aren’t tools and it really isn’t widely accepted for you to be madly in love with someone, but still recognize that the dynamic works against your well-being.

We don’t yet live in a culture that truly understands the expansiveness of our hearts, and of love itself. Much of our relationships are still predicated on ownership of other people’s feelings, emotions, reactions, and being-ness.

Our culture teaches us that walking away from a relationship means you’ve failed something, and that by walking away from this unsafe dynamic, it means you don’t love the other person. But that’s... ridiculous

Our culture teaches us that choosing ourselves means we don’t love others. And that’s the fucked up part. Too many of us were taught a love that places US last, and makes any attempt to care for ourselves a moral failing.

How many of us toiled and antagonized over relationships, trying to make them work, putting in a labor of love, only to be told by the other person that we “never loved them” once we decided enough was enough? Why does loving me mean I don’t love you? Haven’t I proven myself?

We live in a culture that refuses to recognize the multitudes in people, and that folx have lived entire lives before meeting us. We expect folx to simply forget all the experiences they’ve had, all the people they’ve loved, everything that shaped them, and just be with us.

If you met someone new today, and y’all vibe, and they don’t you they were still loved someone from their past, what would you reaction be? Be honest. Most of us would run in other direction. But I challenge you to ask some clarifying questions...

Are they still actively trying to BE with that person? If so, then perhaps you two can’t date at this time. But if they aren’t trying to be with them, and recognize that despite loving that person, they should not be together, what does it matter to me if they still love them?

Should I ask that my new partner forget all about this other person they once loved? This person who was a huge part of their world? This person who shaped them? Most ppl would say yes. Most would say that their love for this past person impedes their love for me. That’s NOT true

This is where we get into how expansive love can really be, because in actuality, there is NOTHING (except cishet patriarchy) that says this person can’t love thisnold person AND build new love for me. It can be and is done all the time, whether we recognize it or not.

Society tells people that leaving someone means we don’t love them anymore, and maybe we never did, and if we are going to leave, we better be ready to never feel love for that person again. That’s bullshit
Our experiences, our lives, don’t exist in a vacuum.

But bc we are told that they do, society provides us with no real tools with which to hold the nuance of “I love this person. Madly. Deeply. But for my own sake, I need to remove myself from this dynamic.”

So what do we end up doing instead? Staying in places that we outgrew long ago. Staying, hoping to prove ourselves worthy enough for the situation to turn around. Or, moving to the next relationship, never getting to live in our complexity.

Whoever my next partner(s) is/are, I will do my best to hold space for the fact that this person has loved people before me, deeply, passionately, and truly, and that has no effect on their ability to build that same kind of connection with me.

Like I said, ask questions. If they find themselves unable to remove themselves from a toxic dynamic, and they aren’t truly ready to let go, then that’s one thing. But if they’ve removed themselves and simply still love that other person, I don’t see an issue with that.

We spend to much time wanting to be the “first love”, the “great love”, the “love of their life”, their “soulmate”. The truth is, most of our partners/future partners have already met these ppl and YOU weren’t one of them.

And I’ve said this before, the love of your life may be just that. The love of YOUR life. You may not be the love of theirs and that’s ok. I also like to think of it as the love of my life, as my life currently stands. As my life changes, so might the person I need.

It has taken a long time, but I have fully accepted that I may not be the love of my next partner(s)’ life. But I’ll damn sure be the love they need, and them mine. And to me, that’s better.

Anyway it’s all really complex and really simple at the same time, and I hope this all made sense. I say all this to say, our hearts can hold a lot more than we think, if we let them