if anyone wonders why i have absolutely no enthusiasm for any remote seder, maybe it would help to know what my experience of trying to connect with jewish community has been like.

i have been in a city with a local Jewish population for a year. i have wanted nothing more than a jewish community of my own this entire time and for many years before.

most won't even let me in the door.

i found one in an accessible building. they treated me terribly.

i joined their chorus. they let me come to rehearsals for months, including forcing myself to come to a mandatory one three days after abdominal surgery.

a few days before the concert, they said i missed too many rehearsals and would not be in the concert.

so i stopped going, obviously, because i have self respect. not a single person checked if i was still alive

i also tried to attend a pesach seder last year, at the same shul. i had nowhere else to be so i paid their outrageous ticket price, over $100.

then i had to have surgery. so i canceled with 10 days notice, and they refused to refund me despite having a waiting list.

for the high holy days, they sent out a ridiculously inappropriate request that people email them access needs in advance. sorry no, none of your business lmfao. just tell me what the accessibility situation is.

i got there and it was almost totally empty. they wouldn't let me sit where i wanted, calling me a 'fire hazard.' actually i think you'll find i'm a fucking person.

at one point, i asked the cantor what 'pastoral care' entails because I've never had a fucking community so how should i know.

he wouldn't answer me, so i started floating possibilities. 'do people talk about their problems, or.....?'

his answer: 'well we're not THERAPISTS'

so clearly the answer to what pastoral care entails at this shul is 'nothing for people like you, fuck off.'

so i tried to email clergy to discuss the many, many shitty things that had happened.

the 'social justice' rabbi ignored me. so did the one i had talked to the most.

they still charged me the next month's membership, after i asked to cancel.

this was all at ONE SHUL.

meanwhile a jewish organization with 'justice' in its name openly lies on twitter about providing access info, which they don't.

meanwhile i have had equally shitty encounters with every other Jewish org I've tried.

so yeah. a whole year and nothing to show for it except a trail of 'communities' that have done me lasting harm and made no attempt at teshuvah.