Morning everyone.

I am depressed. Not like "man I'm sad" but in that clinical, drag you down, don't let you go, way.

I've thought awhile about how to tweet this thread and honestly the hardest part was the first two words. "Morning y'all" "morning tweeps" "hey friends" ha.

I've been avoiding it for months now.

It didn't come on with Covid lockdowns. In fact I think that made me hide it from myself more.

In truth I can't tell you when it really came on. Just that it's been since at least before Christmas and has dragged on since then.

Late last night I found myself crying to my wife telling her that I just don't have any passion in life right now. The only things that give me joy is just seeing her and the kids happy, but work, personal development, video games, reading, etc. I have absolutely 0 passion.

My wife is a fitness buff. And she's been asking me if I wanted to lift with her in the mornings in our basement.
Last night I finally realized that the reason I keep pushing it off is because I just... Don't care.

I literally do not care about anything really.

I know I should work out. I don't care enough to do anything about it

I know I need to do more at work. I don't care to do so.

I want to dive into a good game. I find myself questioning the point of doing so.

I want to read a good book. I read a few pages and just... Meh.

The most passion I have felt for a task in months now was fixing my daughter's bike on Saturday.

Outside of that it has felt like I've just slogged through mud for months. Doing things I "should" because I "have" to

0 sense of pride or accomplishment. No sense of passion to act

I got done telling her all this and just... Crying.

When I calmed down she just hugged me. My wife gets it. She's got clinical depression. She knows how I feel.

All I said after that was just a self realization.

"Huh. I'm depressed aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are."

I've suffered through depressive bouts before.

Thankfully my doctor doesn't believe I have long term clinical depression.

Each bout I've been able to manage through a fix of exercise, diet, and MEDICATION (emphasis there because it's often very important).

When I found out my dad had cancer I went I to a deep depression. I had been a top performer at work, I immediately dropped to the bottom 5th percentile. I cut off my friends. It was rough, and took me at least a year to break out of it in some degree.

The next time I had just gotten laid off, started grad school, had broken our apartment lease to buy a house so ended up living with in laws, took a job I hated after being laid off, and had our first kid in all of it. What a messy time in life ha.

And the strange thing is... I don't have any massive trigger that sent me into this depression.

None. I started a new job, got a raise in the process, Cassie had been doing a lot of side work, we paid off most of our consumer debt, provided easily for the kids, life was good!

And yet... I still fell into this depression.

Again - I don't know why, I don't know how, but I know that I've been feeling like this for... 5-6 months now.

It's just so... Strange to feel a complete lack of passion for things in life.

I mean I have ADHD. I'm often so overly passionate about things that I have to stop myself from hyperfocusing on topics or games or books that I like.

But I just haven't liked ANYTHING lately.

And as someone who struggles with hyper focus, to go from that to pure apathy? Sucks.

Now I'm confident I'll be alright. I've got a telehealth appointment with my doctor this week. I'm sure I'll start taking something to help, and this morning I got up early, went for a walk, got my kids dressed and made them breakfast.

I know I've got to change my routine.

I'll be alright.

Now why do I tweet all this?

Because honestly it feels good to!

And because I hope that if someone else is struggling they'll see it and know it's okay to talk about it and then they'll seek help.

Keep your heads up, things kinda suck now, but it will pass