"It's just a crush"

Tsukishima thought as he stared at Yamaguchi and Yachi from across the gym.

And even though he's a good few feet away, he can hear them laugh together.

He can see the faint blush on Yamaguchi's cheeks.

He can see the look that Yachi gives him through her eyelashes.

"Tsukki, are you okay?" Hinata asked.

Tsukki sneered. "Fuck off."

It stings when Yamaguchi says 'Hitoka' like he was singing a catchy new song.

"You sound lame, she's not even here."

"I know but I'm just...I really really like her."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

He looked so happy as he stared out the window.

It hurts.

It shouldn't be this bad but he can't help but replay that one afternoon. It was before the Karasuno entrance exam

"I've never kissed anyone before," Yamaguchi said.

Tsukki hummed, quiet. "Me too."

"I wonder how it feels."

He was young. He was stupid. "Do you want to try?"

When they kissed, everything felt like it was on fire. He remembered opening his eyes because surely Yamaguchi felt it too but not a second later he pulled away.

Yamaguchi continued like before.

Tsukki continued to feel the ghost of his warmth.

He tries to pull away but sometimes Yamaguchi says...things...

"I like blondes."

"Smart people are really interesting."

"I can't believe you said your eyes are boring, brown eyes are really pretty."

Just like that, he's pulled back in.

He grew confident with the fact that Yamaguchi never followed through with any of the girls he liked and Yachi should have been the same but she wasn't.

She was bright.

She had every quality Tsukishima had but somehow...she made it better.

'It's just a crush.'

It's a desperate mantra this time as all three of them ate lunch together.

"Right, Tsukki?"

"Huh? Oh...yeah."

Yamaguchi laughed and Tsukki's back to being air. He felt like an intruder in something that only the two of them used to share.

They were in Tsukishima's room one evening trying to study for their exams but then Yamaguchi sits up and his face looked determined.

"I'm going to start dating Yachi," Yamaguchi said.

Tsukki feels his fingers go numb, heard his ears ring. "...why?"

"What do you mean why?" Yamaguchi laughed. "I like her. We've been going out on dates for quite some time."

Tsukki felt his chest burn. "You never told me about this."

"I didn't think it was that important." His eyebrows furrowed. "And you get weird when I talk about her."

"You shouldn't," he finds himself saying, can't stop.

"Tsukki? You're being weird."

"You shouldn't date her."

"Why?"

"Because it's just a crush, right? And it's bound to fail."

"Tsukki...you're saying mean things right now."

"..."

"You told that it's just a crush so why are you going to date her? She's not good enough for you."

Yamaguchi frowned, standing up. "I don't like what you're saying, I don't think I want to be around you."

Tsukki holds onto Yamaguchi's wrist. It's going to end. All of it.

"Let me go."

"No."

Yamaguchi pulls away, his face contorted into a look of annoyance. "If you have something to say then maybe you should say it because you're not making any sense."

"You and I...we kissed, right?"

"Kei, that was years ago."

Tsukki continues to stare, open yet afraid to speak. "I think it wasn't just a kiss for me."

Yamaguchi's look of annoyance melts into confusion and then pity. It's the pity that hurts him the most. "I didn't know it was like that for you."

Oh.

Yes.

Of course!

To Tsukishima it was the spark that lit everything on fire. It was what started the longing and love, it was what made him look at Yamaguchi in shades of pink.

To Yamaguchi it was forgettable. It was just a kiss. It was an experience. It was nothing.

"I'm so sorry, Tsukki, but I--"

"Why can it be me?" He doesn't recognize his own voice. He doesn't recall the last time he's ever shown this emotion. "I can be everything you need. If you told me you liked brown hair and blue eyes I'd dye my hair and wear contacts...for you"

"My grades are high enough, you always praise me," he continues. "I've always been by your side, I've always been the one who understood you."

The other boy wasn't looking at him anymore.

"I know how to make you happy...I...so then...why?"

Yamaguchi's shoulders tensed in the way it always would whenever he was uncomfortable. "I don't see you in that way, Tsukki. I'm sorry. If I had known that that kiss would do this...then it was a mistake."

"A mistake." Tsukki smiled a little. "Please don't call it that."

"How could you call that a mistake?" he said, his voice rising. "It made me so happy so how could you call that a mistake?"

"Kei."

"No matter how hard I tried I was always just your best friend. How? How could you not have at least tried to see me differently?"

"I'm sorry," Yamaguchi said. "But maybe if you just told me-"

"And what?" He sneered. "Have you feel uncomfortable? Obligated? The last thing I want from you is to date me because you pity me."

Yamaguchi raked a hand through his hair. "How would you fucking know? Why are you blaming this all on me?"

"Because I thought for sure that someday you'd see my worth," he bit out. "Do I need any other reason other than my fucking pride?"

"Tsukishima." His name felt cold. "I'm sorry that I kissed you and I'm sorry that I never noticed. I'm sorry that I didn't choose you. Honestly, I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can do."

"..."

"I can't love you the way you want me to."

Tsukki takes a deep breath. They're finally making eye contact. "Looking at you hurts. I want to cry and I want to scream."

Yamaguchi opened his mouth then closed it, jaw clenched.

"Looking at you makes me miss what we could've had. I could've made you so happy, Tadashi."

Yamaguchi bit his lower lip as he shook his head. "You did. You do. You make me happy but it's not in the way that you want."

"..."

"I can't stop parts of my life to make you happy, Tsukki, and I don't want to but I don't want to lose my best friend either."

Tsukishima feels himself cling, feels himself losing stable ground.

"Is this okay?" Yamaguchi asked. "Is what I can offer okay? I'm sorry that this is all I can give."

Tsukki blinks the tears away, it's getting harder and harder to see. "...it's okay."

"I'm worried about you."

"I'll be okay," he says, wincing at the crack in his voice. "I'll be your best friend. It's what you want me to be and whatever you want I'll give."

Yamaguchi chose to stay quiet, simply gave a nod.

"And...after all...this is just a crush."

-fin