Thread by @shIeyyyyy, here's what it's been like for me these past few days, as [...]

here& #39;s what it& #39;s been like for me these past few days, as an anxiety-ridden homebody who hates being cooped up against her will:

1. i wake up with an anxiety. it& #39;s not a panic attack - not yet anyway - but it& #39;s just as gnarly.

2. i find it hard to breathe, my stomach roils in acid reflux, my vision spins around even as i lay in bed, i feel like throwing up even when there& #39;s nothing to throw up, and i get searing headaches which often turn into migraines.

3. i make coffee, which to you might seem absurd, but it& #39;s actually the only way i could stop the throbbing nightmare in my head. sure it worsens the acid reflux, sure i get extra-antsy from the caffeine, but at least i& #39;m awake and at least the headaches abates for a while.

4. i try to work. from bed, because i don& #39;t have the energy to sit upright and focus on a screen. my vision still gets woozy. my chest still feels tight, i still feel like throwing up, my stomach still churns, but alas i need to work. the world does not stop for anxiety attacks.

5. it takes about ten minutes for me to start losing focus. i sit up in bed. try to breathe for a bit. it works long enough to get me back on my pc. repeat this process for about 3 hours.

that& #39;s a total of /maybe/ 1.5hrs of work, on one of my milder attacks.

6. it& #39;s time for a meal, but i& #39;m not hungry, so i try to eat as much as i usually do in spite of a protesting tummy. i& #39;m basically a two-year-old made to eat veggies. except i& #39;m almost 26 & i cooked the meal i& #39;m force-feeding myself & i& #39;m pretty sure it& #39;s at least highly edible.

7. repeat step 5. don& #39;t get me wrong: i read all the articles. i& #39;ve seen all the helpful posts. i know i shouldn& #39;t work from bed, that i should do this and that to keep my sanity intact, but really... when i& #39;m in /that/ place, there& #39;s no getting out. not even with meds--

--whose ultimate contribution to my well-being is stopping my thoughts from drowning out all my other necessary functions to get through a new day. i& #39;m blessed to be with somebody who gets it, who knows what& #39;s wrong and tries to help me out of it, but they could only do so much.

8. the day ends, i& #39;ve endured at least 3 or 4 attacks, it is time to sleep. i& #39;m in bed, cosy and comfy, and then i realise i have to live through all of this again tomorrow. i have deadlines, i have work i& #39;m not delivering on. i see tweets of ppl being productive and i think--

--"god tf is wrong with me why can& #39;t i be like them". a different kind of attack ensues: it& #39;s not quite an anxiety attack. it& #39;s more of an insecurity issue now. and i& #39;m scared of the responsibilities i& #39;m failing to meet because of this--weirdness--in my mind.

9. i try to sleep, and i a) wake up every few minutes/hours and rarely get restful shuteye or b) i don& #39;t sleep at all, but keep my eyes shut anyway because the clock is ticking and work starts again tomorrow and it& #39;s bad enough without this whole sleepless-night shit.

10. rinse and repeat. sometimes everyday, sometimes every other day. occasionally the cycle shortens to as little as hours.

at some point in my life the anxiety was there 24/7.

i have nothing to show for making this thread; just wanted to show you what it& #39;s like for me, in case you were wondering why i keep posting shit about my mental illness. i& #39;m on meds now, which is a good thing i think, and i have people who know & understand & see me through the--

--worsest-worst-worst days. but it& #39;s still fucking awful & entirely too difficult to cope with, even when my mind is clear and rested.

i also tell you this because i think getting it out there helps me deal with my shit a lot. i feel like the more i say it, the smaller it--

--becomes, and the quicker i learn to ignore it, the faster i get to accept that this is the norm for me now. this is what it is. i& #39;ll probably have to live with this forever. i& #39;ll probably never get over the worry, the fear, the (often) crippling depression--

--so the least i could do is acknowledge it. the past few months have not made it any easier; in fact, my introverted ass was surprised to find it missed the malls, the public parks, the rowdy bars & clubs, the busy streets, the bustling highways. but you gotta deal somehow.

i hope these attacks go away - or even just gently calm tf down, i& #39;m not gonna get choosy now of all times - and i hope i get one more day of clear skies and clear thoughts ahead. i& #39;m so tired of being sad and scared and worried and overthinking shit all the damn time.

if you got this far, idk what you& #39;re doing with your time bc it would& #39;ve been spent wiser on something with a happier resolution since this one doesn& #39;t have any, haha. it& #39;s just me telling you all about my life as an anxious depressive potato of 10 long years now.

kbye!

stay safe, stay home, and be kind to people (except fascists & their enablers)!

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