In the past few weeks I've become more aware of how I self-coerce and why.
I'm in a loop where I keep rationalizing commitments I've made in the past.
The cost of letting go of the commitments seems too big, relationships would break.

My body knows that's not the direction I wanna go and the more I think the more knowledge I gather, the more this is true.

e.g. uni, two apprenticeships, relationship

On the other hand they are all thing regarded as very good and that my past self would have desired, so I'm scared that I'm scared about the change they bring.

They all (kind of) have a sort of time limit, in a little over a year I could be out of most of those commitments.

But here's what scares the shit out of me:

conditioning myself to accept high levels of self-coercion

Like, in the past, I was self-coercing way more. But I didn't know it was a thing, I was doing because I felt shitty in general and it was an escape route.

Now I'm fine, I'm often happy, so now I'm self-coercing WHILE being aware of it and being aware that it feels bad.

Moreover the conditioning gets stronger and stronger, the more I think about it, the more aware of how it feels I become, the more self-inflicted suffering I condition myself to endure.