hi, friend. it’s late, i know. today was hard for a bunch of reasons. i think it’s making me feel the weight of everything right now. i’ve been crying on and off all day and i know it’s bad right now because i couldn’t even muster the strength to put on a brave face for my mom.

i’m having a hard time seeing the bright side right now. that’s what she kept trying to tell me. i couldn’t even humor her. i think something inside me isn’t working all that well anymore, something that kept me optimistic through the worst parts of my life. (i’m safe. promise.)

i keep trying to flex that muscle, go to that well, whatever, but it just hurts to try. i’m trying to give myself space to just feel this right now, and maybe that’s why i’m airing this laundry out — i need it to live somewhere that isn’t my head, even if for a minute.

but god. i think the hardest thing for me to accept is how so many of my friends were in the process of getting their shit together. how many people were finally seeing the rewards of their hard work, and now it’s all in jeopardy.

(cw: trans things)

and. look. i’m one of those people. i was finally getting my own shit together. i was saving to finally continue my medical transition. but i have to put that all on hold. like i’ve continuously had to put it on hold for the past two decades of my life.

i’m bitter, i’m angry, i’m hurt, i’m... tired. i’m so fucking tired of feeling like i have to keep. fucking. fighting. but what else am i supposed to do? not?

every part of me keeps reminding me that life is supposed to be a fight, a struggle, but god, does it really have to be?

i used to be able to imagine what it’d be like to not struggle with these thoughts, and now, it feels so much harder to get back to that place.

i already feel like i’ve lost so much of my life to waiting and fighting quietly, i don’t know how much more of it i have to lose

(again. i promise. i’m safe. i’m not going to try anything.)

i’m sorry. i don’t have a good ending for this thread. i just needed to put it somewhere because i don’t have room in my head right now for much else. i don’t know how to fix this. i don’t know what to do with it.