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THREAD: I like putting it out, out of me somewhere. I also want this to be a way of opening up to people I will NEVER have the courage to open up to. A piece of me, a broken me.
I look like such a friendly person who makes friends easily. Mama woukd always say " half the village is Semanur's friend" everytime she'd see me with them or when i'd bring them home. I paid for that.. in ways you wouldn't understand. I struggled all my life with relationships.
I've had literal anxiety attacks because someone would leave an ambiguous message then ignore me. I'd get scared that they no longer wanted to be my friend.. because who knows why. Hayatımdan açıklama yapmadan gidenler çok oldu.
That's why I became such a pushover, I never stated my real opinions, I got jelous of people who were close to my only friends. Sometimes I pulled myself back because I felt like I wasn't wanted or needed, they were fine without me.. no one noticed.. I had no imput.
One time I cried at school because a friend of mine got mad at me and wouldn't recieve my calls. Later at the end of the school day she was surprised she said " why would you cry, I wasn't even that mad It wasn't that deep for me". And I felt guilty and ashamed that I cried.
I was always "proven" wrong when I would oppose something with my ex, I could never proudly and for sure say " I am right! and you should apologise". I'd apologise for things hoping it would be mutual but I would never recieve acknowledgement or an apology.
This is very twisted when I think about it. But back in primary school my best friend ( and probably only friend) made a new friend, the third friend was more of a troublemaker (First time I ever bunked school - for like 10 mins) and i saw my friend drift away because I refused
to take part in some stuff. Anyway, one time we argued in the playground.. so the next day I wrote her a note and said would you talk to me if I buy you your favourite chocolate. So I did and I gave it to her the next day and we spoke again.. then I never saw her after primary.
I would always ask my friend would you be sad if I died.. Would you cry? Would you miss me and she'd reply with no laughing. I know she never said it seriously but for a moment it would hurt and then I'd laugh too and say would it be too much if you said yes once in a while.
Number of times men have come into my life promising that they love me and they'd never hurt me only to leave in ambiguous ways never to hear from them again. So yes, next time you think I'm overreacting to you leaving me on read know that I have some sort of seperation anxiety.
maybe try to be a little more forgiving, I missed your call or I didn't read your message on time, I was too clingy, I became attatched too quickly, I was too sensitive, I was too much. At the very first mistake all they've ever done is leave ( not necc physically).
They ( important people in my life) always had replacements, they had the self love and the self respect to not care even If I had done them wrong, they simply just walked away because they can afford to do that. They can stand on their own..
If you're wondering how this thread even links: I always had friends lots and lots of them but they were always temporary, they were always with consequence if I chose one then the other was unhappy. In the end I never had anyone who would accept me with my all, forgive me.
I was always to blame I was two faced, I am weak and let myself be pushed around, I always prioritised the wrong people. I thought I could buy love and loyalty and true friendship so I paid them. The currency in this case was my pride, my dignity, my own values, me, what I want.
So I put others first, I tried to be like everyone else, understand trends and slang words, try to be like everyone to fit in. My defense mechanism was to be nice to everyone, I'd smile and be what would "please" people. I would feel liability even with strangers, online or irl.
I wouldn't dare say anything, even if I disagreed with something because I feared being disliked. this incl. everyone in my life. Even If I diagreed with what some of the closest people to me did I would let it slide, even if I didn't like the way they responded in a situation.
At this point I could go on and its relaxing to do so. One thing I'm reassured about is that the people I hope will read this will never bother because its way to long and no one cares that much. So I don't open up to them. which is why I'm scared they might acc read this.
