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THREAD: I like putting it out, out of me somewhere. I also want this to be a way of opening up to people I will NEVER have the courage to open up to. A piece of me, a broken me.
I look like such a friendly person who makes friends easily. Mama woukd always say " half the village is Semanur& #39;s friend" everytime she& #39;d see me with them or when i& #39;d bring them home. I paid for that.. in ways you wouldn& #39;t understand. I struggled all my life with relationships.
I& #39;ve had literal anxiety attacks because someone would leave an ambiguous message then ignore me. I& #39;d get scared that they no longer wanted to be my friend.. because who knows why. Hayatımdan açıklama yapmadan gidenler çok oldu.
That& #39;s why I became such a pushover, I never stated my real opinions, I got jelous of people who were close to my only friends. Sometimes I pulled myself back because I felt like I wasn& #39;t wanted or needed, they were fine without me.. no one noticed.. I had no imput.
One time I cried at school because a friend of mine got mad at me and wouldn& #39;t recieve my calls. Later at the end of the school day she was surprised she said " why would you cry, I wasn& #39;t even that mad It wasn& #39;t that deep for me". And I felt guilty and ashamed that I cried.
I was always "proven" wrong when I would oppose something with my ex, I could never proudly and for sure say " I am right! and you should apologise". I& #39;d apologise for things hoping it would be mutual but I would never recieve acknowledgement or an apology.
This is very twisted when I think about it. But back in primary school my best friend ( and probably only friend) made a new friend, the third friend was more of a troublemaker (First time I ever bunked school - for like 10 mins) and i saw my friend drift away because I refused
to take part in some stuff. Anyway, one time we argued in the playground.. so the next day I wrote her a note and said would you talk to me if I buy you your favourite chocolate. So I did and I gave it to her the next day and we spoke again.. then I never saw her after primary.
I would always ask my friend would you be sad if I died.. Would you cry? Would you miss me and she& #39;d reply with no laughing. I know she never said it seriously but for a moment it would hurt and then I& #39;d laugh too and say would it be too much if you said yes once in a while.
Number of times men have come into my life promising that they love me and they& #39;d never hurt me only to leave in ambiguous ways never to hear from them again. So yes, next time you think I& #39;m overreacting to you leaving me on read know that I have some sort of seperation anxiety.
maybe try to be a little more forgiving, I missed your call or I didn& #39;t read your message on time, I was too clingy, I became attatched too quickly, I was too sensitive, I was too much. At the very first mistake all they& #39;ve ever done is leave ( not necc physically).
They ( important people in my life) always had replacements, they had the self love and the self respect to not care even If I had done them wrong, they simply just walked away because they can afford to do that. They can stand on their own..
If you& #39;re wondering how this thread even links: I always had friends lots and lots of them but they were always temporary, they were always with consequence if I chose one then the other was unhappy. In the end I never had anyone who would accept me with my all, forgive me.
I was always to blame I was two faced, I am weak and let myself be pushed around, I always prioritised the wrong people. I thought I could buy love and loyalty and true friendship so I paid them. The currency in this case was my pride, my dignity, my own values, me, what I want.
So I put others first, I tried to be like everyone else, understand trends and slang words, try to be like everyone to fit in. My defense mechanism was to be nice to everyone, I& #39;d smile and be what would "please" people. I would feel liability even with strangers, online or irl.
