some people's role here is to be so deeply integrated with the darkness because for most, they avoid their darkness like a plague because society says you're not a good member of society if you can admit your own flaws and ills and embrace them as part of you.

everyone is so afraid of admitting that they're raggedy as fuck even while being divine. this shit is exhausting. like you're passive aggressive just like me but at least i'm aware and working on it. you're pretending that behavior does not exist in you when it clearly does.

all of us are traumatized to some degree which means we have unconscious patterns as a result of that trauma. no one is perfect. even in the process of healing, it's not perfect or linear or packaged or marketable. real healing is not brand worthy. stop with this shit.

all of these fake healing models are also unsustainable. affirming and wishing your trauma away with rituals and magic instead of just embracing the ugliness in yourself as a result of being deeply wounded and still hurting. why is there a rush to ignore what trauma really does?

i even found myself doing it. bypassing my healing by always chalking it up to a larger plan but that doesn't mean anything when you really try to sit with some of the fucked up things that have happened and how challenging it really is to heal your mind of certain imprints.

it being hard doesn't mean i stop because i always keep going. i have the endurance to withstand all of this bullshit i need to heal but you know what i'm finna do? complain. be angry. express myself. it's not "low" vibrational. it's being a human being that feels.

i don't dwell there but i will acknowledge how i feel because lack of emotional validation IS my problem. i gaslight myself because it was taught to me. i always question if what i feel is justified. actually, yes, it is. i never respond or react without reason. ever.

my sense of self is too small. my solar plexus is very weakened which makes accessing my heart very inconsistent. i have a lot of anger to finally feel. i always suppress my anger because my scorpio mars feels like it could burn a town to the ground with my rage.

but maybe it's time for that. people have to know to stop fucking with me. i don't even like you. leave me alone.