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This might be a long rant. I just wanted to talk about how fucking hard it is to get over someone cheating on you. Two years ago I was with someone who absolutely drained me. He always made me feel like I was doing something wrong, even when it was his fault. He had a hard time-
Showing affection unless he was drunk or just somehow in a good mood (which was rare) He would give me a morsel of the love I asked for and then would leave me starving for it so that the next morsel he gave me felt like a feast. He would talk to his ex and make her think he-
Still wanted her. Wouldn’t post about me or our relationship so it wouldn’t hurt her feelings, and also so he could flirt with girls without getting in trouble. I had anxiety about the smallest things with him but I wanted to trust him more than anything, so I did. Until one day-
I looked through his phone and saw another girls nude, I saw him talking to his ex and flirting with a girl HE KNEW I was wary of. He still denied he ever cheated and I was stupid enough to believe him, but we still broke up. Later I found out he in fact DID cheat, and he said-
It was only one time. And it kept him from treating me right because of his “guilt.” We stayed apart because of how much hurt I went through, and about a year later I was sooo close to getting back with him. But something in my gut told me I couldn’t. It wasn’t right. I knew I-
Was still being lied to, but I didn’t know about what. I ended up dating Curtis, who has given me constant security and has only ever pushed me to get to where I want to be. He’s the main reason I’m doing better. So about three days after we got together,
I found out who else my ex cheated with. Two of my close friends at the time. I was already with Curtis but I was still so angry with them. Not because I still wanted him, but because the three of them had the audacity to lie to me for so long. I was also heart broken because-
One of those friends was someone very special to me. I loved her so much. I absolutely adored her and when I confronted her about it she blamed me. She even subtweeted me saying that I had always known he didn’t want me, that I played myself, or something along those lines. And-
Usually I’m better about the pain. It usually doesnt hurt that bad and it’s almost always because of how busy I am being grateful for the man I have now. But lately I haven’t been able to see him, and I’ve been left alone with my thoughts too much. And I catch myself thinking-
Whenever I see someone I deem as “prettier” or even just cooler than me, my first thought is “if I was like them, maybe I would have been enough.” And I HATE that I think that way even still. I am so fucking tired of it because to be quite honest, I don’t care what he wants and-
I don’t care why he felt that I wasn’t good enough for him back then, but my brain is STILL wired to think that way and I’m trying so hard to make it stop. I made myself stop hating him because I spent so much time despising him that I tore myself apart. And now that I’m not-
Focusing on hating him, I’m left with everything in myself that I need to work on, everything that needs healing, and it hurts me so badly every day because now I’m just blaming myself. For not being perfect, for being so gullible, for letting myself be treated that way, for-
Almost going back, and for STILL treating myself this way instead of loving who I am. I only ever feel like relapsing with self harm or my ED when I think about this. I used to have a tumblr and curious cat and all that anonymous messaging bullshit, where I was constantly-
Ridiculed for talking about this. “You still love him” “get over him already” “go back to him” “he’ll be there when it’s over.” That last one I’m sure was from him, but that’s besides the point. I only want peace. I know I’ll get there one day. But I shouldn’t have to go through-
This pain. I shouldn’t have to cycle through being okay for a few weeks until all of my insecurities come crashing down at once. I shouldn’t have to deal with the trauma. So just treat your s/o right. Make sure they feel loved and wanted. Don’t be with them if you want other-
People. Just be a decent person because you never know how much you can tear somebody apart. Almost two years have passed since we broke up and I still have nightmares about him. I’m just so tired.
