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The first time I woke up in solitary I thought I was dead. That was years ago, but as we’re all self-isolating, it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. So I wrote about it.
Here’s an essay ( @nytimes & @MarshallProj ) and a thread: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/07/opinion/coronavirus-quarantine-prison.html
Here’s an essay ( @nytimes & @MarshallProj ) and a thread: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/07/opinion/coronavirus-quarantine-prison.html
That morning in 2011, I was in medical isolation in a county jail.
It was not like the quarantines we are experiencing now.
I was in a neon white cell with no clock and no contact with anyone. It was so disorienting, difficult to keep track of days and nights.
It was not like the quarantines we are experiencing now.
I was in a neon white cell with no clock and no contact with anyone. It was so disorienting, difficult to keep track of days and nights.
I can describe the conditions - it’s like if you quarantined in your bathroom with no electronics, were banned from looking out the window and someone just tossed shitty food under the door at weird times.
But it’s so hard to describe adequately what it felt like mentally.
But it’s so hard to describe adequately what it felt like mentally.
Sometimes my heart raced or anxiety clouded my vision. Time melted in a way that felt like I was always drunk. I didn’t want to sleep because I couldn’t handle the disappointment of waking up
It was terrifying - it felt like I was truly losing my mind & might never get it back
It was terrifying - it felt like I was truly losing my mind & might never get it back
That’s why when I fleetingly thought I had died, I was relieved. And then my face rubbed against the scratchy gray jail-issue blanket and I realized that I could still feel things, that I still existed. I was crushed.
Now, this has been most of my past few weeks. The entire idea of forced shelter in place just brings back some deep-seated panic I haven’t felt in years.
It’s not rational, I know this. This is bad and awful, but it is also not the same thing as prison. Still, I’ve reverted to the habits I formed then to get me through now.
Once again, I’m stocking up on toilet paper, instant coffee and canned peas. I’m rocking back and forth when I go to sleep. I’m running. I’m doing crossword puzzles, looking for a place in the world where I know the answers. https://www.houstonchronicle.com/local/gray-matters/article/Why-I-craved-crosswords-in-prison-12285582.php
And I’m talking to the women I did time with - like @StacyLynBurnet2. She completely understood where I was coming from, and we talked about that “caged animal feeling.”
But some people I did time with saw it differently; my friend Paradise felt like prison trained us for this perfectly:
We also learned how to survive in lockdown and how to keep getting up every day, even when we’d lost so many things that gave our lives meaning.
I keep reminding myself of that now when I find myself losing time, and in a dark place.
I keep reminding myself of that now when I find myself losing time, and in a dark place.
I still feel weird talking about this when I know that people are actually dying. My problems feel so insignificant, I’m embarrassed to have them.
I am, in fact, so lucky: I am not in prison, I have a job, I have a safe place to isolate.
I am, in fact, so lucky: I am not in prison, I have a job, I have a safe place to isolate.
But based on the DMs I get, I know there are lots of ppl struggling to wake up, to stay sober, to stay sane.
I imagine that what lies ahead is only going to be worse & darker but this is not just a medical crisis - I worry or so many pplI know it is a mental health crisis too.
I imagine that what lies ahead is only going to be worse & darker but this is not just a medical crisis - I worry or so many pplI know it is a mental health crisis too.
Maybe it’s too early to think about hope, but I would like to share this story:
Recently I talked to a guy who is in prison, locked in a cell 20-plus hours a day. In theory, they all get out for rec and showers but even that doesn’t consistently happen.
Recently I talked to a guy who is in prison, locked in a cell 20-plus hours a day. In theory, they all get out for rec and showers but even that doesn’t consistently happen.
As these places increasingly lockdown, now they have no visits and no phone access. There have been signs of unrest.
But despite being locked in a cell most of the day as the world falls apart, he was optimistic: Now, he thought, ppl might listen to calls for prison reform
But despite being locked in a cell most of the day as the world falls apart, he was optimistic: Now, he thought, ppl might listen to calls for prison reform
Normally, he said, the things prisoners need are so removed from many ppl: the idea of needing dentures in jail or college in prison or an appellate lawyer is not a personal reality for most ppl.
But the fear that you or someone you love will die alone from COVID-19 now is.
But the fear that you or someone you love will die alone from COVID-19 now is.
“Now that corona is right there at their doorstep people can envision what we are going through,” he said.
That’s a grim sort of optimism, I know. But this is the thing that stood out to me: He told me all this at great personal risk. He knew that using a contraband phone to feed information to reporters about conditions could get him in trouble.
In the end, he said, it’s worth it because one day he will get out and: “I wanna leave this place a better place than I found it.”
He’s in a worse place than most anyone reading this, and he’s trying to change the world.
When I wake up and realize that I am still alive again tomorrow, that’s the energy I’m trying to go through the day with. https://www.themarshallproject.org/2020/04/07/i-ve-served-time-in-prison-sheltering-in-place-is-terrifying
When I wake up and realize that I am still alive again tomorrow, that’s the energy I’m trying to go through the day with. https://www.themarshallproject.org/2020/04/07/i-ve-served-time-in-prison-sheltering-in-place-is-terrifying
AND for anyone wanting more on this, here is a completely different perspective from my fabulous fellow formerly-incarcerated colleague @lawbartley https://www.themarshallproject.org/2020/04/07/how-27-years-in-prison-prepared-me-for-coronavirus
