Thread by @ItsCreepP, Hey guys, so I did want to fill you guys in on [...]

Hey guys, so I did want to fill you guys in on some thing that’s been up with me.

as some of you heard through the stream, I’ve been really dealing with the idea of fully quitting and just… Leaving being a creative as a whole.

let me explain myself (1/?)

Ever since late December to early January, I’ve been faced with the fact that I never felt like I fully belong in the music community at all.

I’m very much someone who is to myself, and extremely is introverted in every sense of the word. It’s strange to say, especially (2/?)

With how I act sometimes. But more and more every day, I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I feel like the everyone around me deserves way more attention than I do, and that I don’t deserve the spot that I’m in

this of course, is the definition of imposter syndrome. (3/?)

And even with me saying all this and understanding this, I still feel like I still do not belong in what I do. With all the producers I know, and I see what they do, I still don’t feel like I deserve anything that I’ve done.

and it’s very fucking frustrating. (4/?)

You’re talking to someone that’s actively try to reach out to multiple producers, try to initiate a lot of collaborative works, try to push my name a lot more than needed, but even after all those times, I felt like… Who would ever want to work with me. (5/?)

Now this is an even that specific people of course, & I apologize if it seems that way, but note that I’ve tried to befriend a bunch of people, and I try to make genuine connections the best I can, but even then I don’t feel like those people want to speak to me, let alone (6/?)

Work with me. And that’s fine. No one‘s obligated to work with anyone. But me doing all of that was unnecessary, and on top of it, made my whole situation a lot worse in my head.

for my friends who know me, you know this is a situation I’ve been dealing with for years now (7/?)

And that’s played me for all these years, and unfortunately it’s officially hit a point where I don’t think that I do deserve any of this. I don’t deserve to have all these amazing collaborations, I don’t deserve all these amazing opportunities, that everyone else should. (8/?)

And I’m going to be extremely honest with you, I almost fully left today. I was only a few buttons away from deactivating all my accounts, and calling it quits fully. But of course, that wouldn’t be fair on you guys, my friends, and myself. (9/?)

I’ve worked myself way too hard, I’ve worked myself to the point where I don’t think I didn’t deserve any of the attention that I’ve gotten, I’ve done way too much on myself mentally, and I genuinely think I need a fucking break. (10/?)

And on top of that, a previous community are used to be a part of was unfortunately extremely detrimental to my mental health, hence why I started separating from said community. And I will say, that community unfortunately hindered the fact whether or not I deserve (11/?)

The love that I genuinely get from you guys, and there’s even more factors that I’m not comfortable talking about. But the fact of the matter is, I’ve hit a very low low. And that’s really scary for me.

I also need to stop airing out everything I feel on Twitter, because (12/?)

That’s overall just not healthy.

it’s been frustrating for years that I don’t think that I belong in this community, and I still don’t believe I do. Ironically, with all the positivity I’ve said about myself, I still genuinely don’t feel like I belong anywhere. (13/?)

I don’t feel like I belong as a producer. I don’t believe I belong as a musician. I don’t believe I belong here as a creative. I don’t believe I belong here as an artist.

but for some reason, here I am, achieving all four of those things. And I genuinely don’t know why. (14/?)

I don’t have a lot of friends. And that’s just the fact. I’m currently looking for proper treatment for my mental health. I don’t have the biggest support system. But with what I do have, I’ve never been more grateful for. So for those who do help me, thank you. (15/?)

I will also take this time to be able to almost rebrand myself? I feel like re-brand of what I do is also appropriate to sort of help me move forward with a fresh start. I’m keeping my name, but I definitely need a new phase, if that makes sense? (16/?)

Overall, I just wanna have fun again. I haven’t been having fun. I know I keep complaining on Twitter, but know that I’m trying my best here, and it’s almost fell or apart in front of me.

so please understand when I say that if I need to take a break, I’m taking it. (17/?)

For those who have my Discord and such, you already know where to hit me up. And I’ll be real with you, I know a lot of you won’t. And that’s fine. It’s not a personal attack on me, just know I’m not going to be as around as I thought it would be. (18/?)

I want to keep going and I want to keep having fun. But I need at least some time to myself, and to be able to put my head back on the ground because the last thing I want to tell myself is that I don’t deserve this, especially with how hard I worked.

Fuck that. (19/?)

I’ve been mentally and physically exhausted myself from production for a bit, and it’s really sad for me. I love producing so much, it’s definitely a fun way for me to be stupid, and let out all my emotion in one go.

I worked hard for this. Please let me still have this. (20/?)

If you read this far, thank you so much. Please know I’m going to be a little bit more scarce on Twitter and will be taking a bit more time to myself. I’ll probably be more active within next week, I just… Need some time to myself right now.

I love you guys very much.

(21/21)

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