Thread by @SimplySurprisin, There's times in the nights I stay up, like tonight, revisiting decisions [...]

There's times in the nights I stay up, like tonight, revisiting decisions in life and the guilt of creating so much stress that probably exarcebated my uncle's cancer progress, and the anger he developed to us at the end stages for taking advantage of his kindness

It's such a complex thing, this grief..

Back years and years ago my aunt asked me if I wanted to study overseas, and to grow my talents and spread my wings onwards. I didn't know back then what taking this decision meant for our family.. our extended families.

I said yes, and naively asked that if my sister could receive the same opportunity too. They accepted it, but this came as such a price that sometimes I can't help thinking what would it have been if I chose to be back in Malaysia instead.

The exchange rate wasn't much then, but it grew as time went on, with 2 people on their sponsorship, it meant that it costed them so much as time went on. Plus I took things for granted, financially too back then, that my sister suffered and was heavily scrutinized compared to me

The tensions between the siblings of mom side grew. I wasn't the first to be asked of this, the two elder cousins declined as they were the only child of their family, one had her dad only too. And there was comfort in the safety of family too back home.

But my uncle and aunt were no saints though they did their best assisting their siblings out of the cycle of orphanage welfare home poverty.

Favourites were often played .. sometimes we'd be walking on eggshells on some situation. My aunt grew angrier over time towards my mom

That my parents didn't step up and offered to pay where they could . Admittedly I still am processing parts of that anger too as it was indeed like we were taking advantage of them..

So yes, I came overseas, under sponsorship thanks to uncle n aunt.. the price was obligation.

When I got the chance to study PhD on my own through scholarship it was the most estatic day of my life. I could finally cut the chains and be independent, and away from being obligated and under their control. Sometimes we think of them as the tiger parents but uncle/aunt

This is complex and difficult to process too, as they had never managed their collective trauma of growing up, watching parents leave them

It might have explained so much hardness and in need of control emotions they displayed. It was not great being under their control.

So I struggle to explain this multiple layers of feeling of being here overseas, trying to make it. It has been a wonderful opportunity. It also always had a price. To us. To them.

I loved my uncle, especially the memories of the younger us. He was literally my second father.

But years of his kindness being exploited by people around him and growing to a shrewd businessman meant he trusted lesser and lesser of people.

I watched my uncle push his siblings, nieces, nephews and even me away at the very end.

This is something that broke us all.

As a family, to see and understand his anger but unable to reach to him as he refused us all.

And so many who came to his funeral were people that he and aunt have cut off over the years.

Now that I'm older I understand this was also a huge result of the collective trauma they experienced losing parents at a young age.. and being exploited as orphans/foster kids do.

And this is the age and era where therapy is looked down upon

But some of their actions to their siblings, and to people close to them like sis and I, cousins etc... were downright emotionally abusive.. controlling, manipulative etc.

There was an anger between all sides here. Like I said.. complex

But they believed in their heart that without tough love we were never going to make it and rise up and break our cycle from poverty in family.

So how do you ever reconcile these mixed perspectives and personalities?

Last year my eldest aunt set aside her anger and ego, from not talking to her brother for more than 12+ years, only for uncle to lash out and disowning her as his sister, my mom got caught in this crossfire too.

Cancer didn't help, it made him angrier at everything.

I think this thread here is a cathartic release to the world in the form of a semi-anonymous post..

We struggled in this family of ours. Struggling to understand what is toxic. What is compassion. Tough love. Emotional abuse. Boundaries.

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