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I have one more assignment and I am basically finished with my master’s but I can’t find the motivation to do it: a thread
I am a procrastinator at the core, but typically it is because I am busy doing other important things, not because I just don’t want to do something
I am writing a research paper on toxic masculinity and fraternity men, and HELLO that is so up my alley
But for some reason when I sit down to write it, I almost feel a sense of dread. And I think I know what’s up
I have been in school basically my entire life. And for some reason this paper feels like the end of a novel that isn’t going to end the way I wanted it to.
If COVID-19 hadn’t happened, I would be celebrating with my friends and colleagues. Submitting this paper would be the biggest relief AND something I would take pride in
But those celebrations aren’t happening anymore. The thing that I worked towards, that has CONSUMED my life and passion, is just going to...end.
No final goodbyes, no tearful hugs, no see you laters, no photos of our last weeks together. I’ll press submit on Canvas and I’ll just be done.
And I think that’s what is the hardest thing of all and what is putting my perfectionism into full drive. I NEED this paper to be “the best thing yet” because then maybe I will feel fulfilled. Maybe that will honor all of my hard work in academia
But that is just not an achievable goal. I’m tired. I’m sad. And from that does not come my best work, and even if it WAS my best work, it would not amount to that big, red, pretty bow that was supposed to wrap up my career in academia.
And there lies my issue... I want to be done. I want to have that master’s degree and say I did it and be proud of myself. But not like this. And I am feeling all the levels of grief while also beating myself up trying to find the last glimmer of greatness.
I miss my friends. I miss the memories that were never made. I miss my students, my bosses, my little home away from home. And that is all showing through my inability to be proud of my final piece of work.
I just hope that someday I will look back on this in fondness and not sadness. I don’t really know where this thread is going— avoidance at its finest. 
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