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Ang dami ko nang napakinggang love stories from my friends. Advice dito, advice doon, tamang support-support. Naiisip ko tuloy, sa dami ng mga love x hate stories na napakinggan ko, meron kaya akong sariling kuwento? Sige, look back tayo ngayon sa aking past (think: high school).
Malaking factor ang confusion ko noong HS kung pag-uusapan ang love. Busy ako noon na maging at-peace with my sexuality and my flamboyance, kaya wala masyadong space sa aking heart and mind ang pag-explore ng romance (although mayroon namang kaunti).
Malaking factor din ang perosnality ko. I wasnāt physically fit nor conventionally attractive. I wasnāt into sports, not into guitars, and hindi rin naman ako honors-level intelligent. Ang napapansin sa akin noon ay ang friendliness ko. I love talking/connecting with classmates.
Sa social scene ng classroom, isa ako doon sa mga nagli-link sa mga classmates ko. Nagchi-cheer sa mga bagong buong loveteam. Nagiging messenger sa nag-aaway na mag-jowa. Chismosa ng mga ganap. Nakikinig sa nagdadrama. Yung mga tagasigaw ng āyeeeeā at āawwwwā when necessary.
Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo sa experiences ko noong HS. Doon nabuo ang pagiging sociable ko. My HS social life taught me conversation skills and to be observant+sensitive of others.
Pero honestly, there are things that I couldāve done better, or couldāve not done at all. Sigh.
Pero honestly, there are things that I couldāve done better, or couldāve not done at all. Sigh.
1) I couldāve focused more on my insecurities.
I feel like I wasted my puberty. In HS, I was under the illusion that as long as I am agreeable and fun to be with, Iāll be okay. Now, friends are past that ādevelopingā phase already, while Iām here rushing to put myself together.
I feel like I wasted my puberty. In HS, I was under the illusion that as long as I am agreeable and fun to be with, Iāll be okay. Now, friends are past that ādevelopingā phase already, while Iām here rushing to put myself together.
2) I couldāve not shared advice for free.
Iām not saying that I shouldāve put fees on my advice. But, I shouldāve just made sure that the people whom I listened to, talked with, and spent time with were also the ones who were giving me the attention and care that I needed.
Iām not saying that I shouldāve put fees on my advice. But, I shouldāve just made sure that the people whom I listened to, talked with, and spent time with were also the ones who were giving me the attention and care that I needed.
3) I couldāve shown my vulnerable side more.
My classmates saw someone who can sort things out well. I shouldāve not held onto that persona. It mislead even me. Deep within the fun, strong, talkative person that I was, there was a guy who needed the same things that he gave.
My classmates saw someone who can sort things out well. I shouldāve not held onto that persona. It mislead even me. Deep within the fun, strong, talkative person that I was, there was a guy who needed the same things that he gave.
To sum all the points, hereās something I would tell my 14-year-old self:
Always give from an excess. Fill yourself up first with love, attention, and care before you can give them to others. You cannot give what you do not have.
Always give from an excess. Fill yourself up first with love, attention, and care before you can give them to others. You cannot give what you do not have.
I think the true love-story that I had in HS was not the one when I had a crush on a pretty girl, nor when I fell in love with my bestfriend. It was the love story of me and my self. In this case, itās not yet a love story. Itās still a love struggleābut a beautiful one.
End.
End.
