I’m going to try to explain how anxiety and depression feed off of each other. It likely won’t make a lot of sense to people who don’t suffer from it, but this is how it works.

Before I go to bed, there are three emails I don’t want to address. So I go to bed. >

I wake up in the morning after a night of wild dreams that are not nightmares but anxiety-inducing. Likely because of the drugs I’m on, they are wickedly vivid and go on forever. It’s like another life I live. I once went to a silent auction. I could describe every painting. >

So then I wake up and I feel guilty for not answering the last three emails. They I feel guilty because of the auction dream. And I lie there, awake, then fall back into lucid dreaming. I know I’m dreaming, but the dreams suck gopher shit. >

So then I wake up. Then I decide I don’t want to wake up to deal with what are now 14 emails. I pull my pillow over my head and decide that’s it.

And that’s when death comes to haunt. It’s not ideation; it’s nothing like that. It’s just death sits there, like a bobble-head. >

So, I get up. I do the things I need to do, all while thinking about that email. The grading I haven’t done. And I start doing grading or email, and it becomes too much. I lie down. >

Tonight, at 9pm, I held office hours. I connected with my students, all of whom asked how I was doing and if things were okay. And that energized me. I miss that classroom time. I miss that connection with people, seeing their moments of understanding lit upon their faces. >

And now I’m back in these dark hours. And I escape with humour and Twitter. I think in every comedian there is a very dark place they spend most of the time. I’m no comedian, but I like to make people laugh. There is a darkness behind humour. >

I’m fine. Just struggling with this, as we all are in our own ways.

But as someone who might be able to try to explain what happens when the darkness sets in, I thought I would try to explain it as best I can. But I can’t tell you how active Melvin has been recently. >

He’s taking up a lot of space. (Melvin is my name for my hyper-vigilant guard dog that lives in my head.)

This got longer than I intended, but that’s how things go in the world of madness. You fixate and can’t let go. 3 emails. That was it.

Be safe. Stay home. < :-)

That actually helped. Thanks for letting me vent, folks.