I dropped out of engineering school. It isn't something I've talked to pretty much anyone in my hometown about.

People like me arent supposed to drop out. I was supposed to be some cocky asshole who made it out and never talked to anyone ever again.

Instead I'm the autistic idiot who was so focused on what he was supposed to be that he never acknowledged how in over his head he was.

The worst part about it was that I knew. I knew I would fail but I never wanted to really consider it. I never thought of it as anything more than a passing anxiety fueled thought.

I knew I wasnt going to be my brother or my dad but I kept. Fucking. Trying to be and it nearly fucking killed me.

The day that I dropped out of school I went up to the roof and stood up there for a long time. I got right up next to the railing and leaned over it. I still don't know why I stopped. I wanted so badly to go. I never told anyone this. Not seriously.

I always phrased it like a joke and because the people I told knew me as someone who liked edgy humor nobody read into it too far. It was another joke. Because I had a reputation to uphold of never taking anything seriously. I didn't even tell my parents this.

I didn't want to bother them with it. And I didn't want to be bothered with going to a therapist who I would hate. I just wanted to be left alone. My parents respected that but kept pushing me to take care of myself. I love them for that.

Now I work at a place up in Downer's Grove that only employs people with autism. I've been too embarrassed to even tell people that. I've been lying about where I work to anyone who asks. People like me arent supposed to need handouts like this.

I got a job because I was tired of feeling useless. It was a decision I finally made on my own. I was tired of feeling like i was still up on the roof. And i love my job more than anything in the world. I love what i do and i adore my coworkers.

I hate driving. I drove an hour north every single day in 8 A.M. traffic to get to work. And I drove home through rush hour every single day without a second thought because I love my job. But I'm so ashamed of not living up to expectations I cant even tell anyone

Every time someone who knows me asks me what I'm doing now, without fail, I have had a panic attack after the conversation. It doesn't matter how they respond. Not because I think they're judging me. Because I cant stop myself from trying to be something I'm not.

I haven't ever felt like myself when I'm in dwight. I feel like every time I go outside in dwight I put on a mask because I'm afraid that people will be disappointed with me and I cant fucking stop. I just have to keep up the fucking show for everyone.

Because the moment I stop the song and dance I get the weird looks again. And I stop fitting in. I stop blending in. People stare. So I have to keep up the show.

The world is a stage and I didn't fucking audition for it.

I didn't ask to be Clark Reamer's son or David Reamer's brother or to be born "gifted" or to have autism and depression and an anxiety disorder and ocd. I wish it could have been anyone else.

People like me aren't supposed to have the kind of depression that makes you climb to the roof of your dorm building and try to throw yourself off.

People like me aren't supposed to go to the campus counselor's office and beg him in tears to expedite the process of dropping out because if I stay any longer I'll kill myself.

But that is what happened and I havent told anyone about it. Not fully. And now people are going to know but at least I'm sharing it on my own terms. At least I get to define my own story for a change.

I wanted so badly to start over when I left. Not a day goes by I don't think about blocking everyone I see from Dwight on here because I am so exhausted of having to carefully consider everything I do because someone might see it.

I am exhausted of having to worry about my "real" life catching up to who I feel like I actually am. And having to try so fucking hard to keep them separated.

I was doing so well with everything. I was happy going in to work every day. I was a functional human being with issues but I was working through them.

I started going back to school at night to start working towards getting a career in a field I've learned that I love.

I had managed to strike a good balance. I wasnt just succeeding anymore, I was starting to excel. I came out as bi, eventually realized I'm just gay.

I still can't say it out loud. That I'm gay, I mean. Catholic guilt bites hard. It was something I was working through before all of this happened.

Then this shit starts. I have to take on additional responsibilities in the office because they're cutting down on staff to observe safety protocols. Fine. I adjust well enough. I was on spring break.

Then i have to work from home. Stressful, but fine. I adjust. Then online classes start. I havent had to take a fully online class since, you guessed it, I was back at S&T

Anxiety starts creeping in now. And today everything boiled over. I can barely keep my concentration when I'm working. On work or on homework

That is how ba the anxiety is

That feeling starts to creep in again

I feel like I'm back up on the roof but all the time. Hanging by a fucking thread and it snapped today. As evidenced by this thread's existence.