tw// drugs, sexual assault, nth room, pandemic

some of you will believe me. some of you will not. and most of you don't give a shit.

but here's a full explanation on... everything

[PLEASE READ TILL THE END. nothing in here excuses the way I've acted. I just want to be completely honest with everyone about what happened]

Regarding the nth room conversation:

this is taking a lot to say, so please be kind.

when I was eight I was sexually abused. I know all too well that sexual abuse (or abuse in general) is never the victims fault. so when the nth room thing was sent to the gc

I freaked out. I said things with the intention of making sure no one found out what happened to me. but they were poorly worded and it just backfired and made me sound like a judgemental asshole.

the thing about being from Africa was an explanation that I came up with, for why I was even asking about how to protect myself in the first place. although I really did live there for half my life... I used it instead of saying why I was really asking those questions.

I didn't feel comfortable telling the gc that the real reason I was focusing on if/how the victims could have avoided it was because I'm scared that it

might happen to me.... again. but I didn't handle it properly. like at all. I acted out of fear. and instead of trying to cover up that part of my life, I should have just muted the chat and looked for news articles or something for the information I need to protect myself.

I was so caught up in the fear of people finding out what had happened to me that I didn't pay attention to how my comments would make others feel...

I was a selfish coward. and for that I am so sorry.

Regarding s/an's predebut photos:

its true that society where I live has subconsciously effected me. but I would never had made such jokes in my right mind. I was high as a kite yesterday when I said the things about his predebut photos, "16/17 year olds fucking", and even all of those original apologies.

I was on opioids because of the jaw surgery I had a few months ago. I'm supposed to take them in emergencies if I feel extreme pain. because of the whole pandemic situation I was unable to go to the hospital. so I took the perscribed drugs and they fucked with my head.

when I came down, I fell asleep. but then I woke up and saw what I'd done. I vomited. I still can't believe that I made comments just like the person who did that awful thing to me. and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

everything that happened was due to my own behavior and because of how I am lacking. I am the one who fucked up. I tweeted irresponsibly under the influence. I made insensitive comments. I hurt/triggered many people who have been through the same thing (or worse) as me.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for all of this. I am sorry to s/an for sexualizing him as a minor (something I swore to myself I'd never do). I am sorry to the victims of the nth room. I am sorry to all of my friends and moots whose trust I have broken. I do not expect forgiveness.

quite honestly I don't deserve forgiveness. but at least now the whole truth is out. and I promise to get the help I need with how I view what happened to me as a child.

I know some of you will see this as making excuses. and that's okay.

I am fully aware that none of this excuses my awful behavior. I'm just sick of lying. so for my own sanity sake, I've laid it all out on the table.

again. I am sincerely sorry for my disgusting and disappointing behavior.