So, we are starting Star Trek TNG from Episode 1 and this Renaissance asshole shows up and then turns into A Few Good Men before going into a diatribe about humanity, and on Episode 1 tells them to turn back.

Worf rides an elevator because they want us to be impressed with the set. Then Picard is like "Here me now:" twice in the span of 2 minutes like Obama "let me be clear." Then Picard goes to the Battle Bridge, separates the ship and they play the ENTIRE theme song again.

Then Picard just is like "WE UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER BITCHES." We are now at a trial, where the audience is supposed to be in post-apocalyptic human attire, and I can only presume that Picard is going to make a pitch for humanity and space exploration. Let's see:

Renaissance Asshole is back and they're like "At least we know the judge!" Then some Trumpian 2nd Amendment douchenoodle needlessly fires his gun at the ceiling and then the floor. Trumpian douchenoodle does drugs before another one needlessly shoots him.

Everyone laughs as the first guy dies; they pull his body away with rope. They have also hired Asians and Little People for this episode as comedic relief (?).

The trial? It will be "Absolutely equitable."

Data immediately objects on collective guilt is bullshit grounds.

Renaissance Asshole immediately tells him the court is from a different era where "United Earth Bullshit" was abolished.

Ouch. Data forgot to check his authority to make sure there were no "OH FUCK THIS GOT OVERTURNED" flags.

Little Person (who is in yellowface) rolls his eyes as Yar makes impassioned speech about how this court would be down on its knees for the United Earth.

They then freeze Yar, which appears to cause no lasting damage. Deana Troy bends over in shortest miniskirt ever and cries.

Picard is like "You don't want to have the trial! BECAUSE YOU ARE SCARED YOU'D LOSE!" ("Even though you are judge and jury!" "... and executioner" Renaissance asshole adds.)

Renaissance asshole says, "Legal trickery is not permitted."

"You will now answer to the charge of being a grievously savage race!"

Picard: "Grievously savage could mean anything!" (He literally says that.)

Picard is handed an Etch-a-Sketch and is directed to read the charges aloud.

Picard reads the charges silently instead and then says he does not see any charges against *US.*

"YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER!!!" The Judge cries.

Picard pleads guilty... ::twist:: PROVISIONALLY.

"THERE WILL BE NO LEGAL TRICKERY" (Judge, again).

He takes an Alford Plea. He agrees there is evidence to support the charge that humans have been grievously savage.

Also, judge keeps raising his seat to be higher than Picard.

As part of Alford Plea in this court, you get to agree to be tested to determine your current moral worth.

Picard & Co. are transported back to the bridge and get a do-over as they are apparently being tested.

Riker goes to an administrative office as he awaits his new assignment.

"Would you care for an earth delicacy commander?"

He is offered apples and bananas.

Riker eats the shiniest apple ever.

The Administrative Wizard starts talking to himself after Riker leaves like Gollum. "YESSSH MY PRECIOUSES, THE FILTHY RIKERSES WILL DISCOVER YOU IF YOU MAKE APPLESES APPEAR. YOU WILL BE PUNISHED. YES, PUNISHED."

Riker talks to Wil Wheaton and Dr. Crusher, while some kids play in the saddest park ever. (There are two kids climbing in one tree.)

Crusher calls Picard "Jean Luc."

Riker asks how she knows him.

Dr. Crusher and Wes know Picard because Picard brought his daddy's body home. ::Ouch::

New crew members beam aboard.

Riker immediately hits on JL. (Just kidding, he does not.) They show Riker a highlights reel of what happened in the last 30 minutes. We get to watch it again too.

Picard sums it up as they are on probation. Data tells him the saucer is there.

Riker is going to conduct a (wink, wink) "MANUAL DOCKING."

Picard: "I MEAN NOW, COMMANDER!"
Data: "They say you will be doing this MANUALLY, sir. NO AUTOMATION."

Yar watches his manual docking.

A MANUAL DOCKING is the top part of the ship going on the bottom part.

Yar is anxious.

But Riker is cool and tells all stations to PREPARE FOR RECONNECTION.

Riker says something about thrusting and then, "THE INERTIA SHOULD DO THE JOB."

"LOCK ON. NOW."
(This is about sex.)

Triumphant music plays as Riker has demonstrated he is good at thrusting and locking on the top part to the bottom part.

"A fairly routine maneuver, but you handled it quite well," Picard says.

Riker has some issues in his file for second-guessing the captain. He says as First Officer he has to protect the captain.

Picard challenges him and decides he likes him anyway.

Picard asks Riker only to stop him from making of an ass of him with children.

Picard, you see, has been given a ship with children.

He doesn't like children.

Riker is to help him project an image of geniality and pretend to like children.

LaForge's headband hurts him and he can choose between surgery and painkillers.

Also, for some reason there is a 137 year old Southern Admiral with a very shiny knit cardigan. He is talking to Data and doesn't know he is not real people. Admiral keeps calling him "BOY."

Racist Admiral tells Data to treat the Enterprise like a lady and always bring her home.

OH NO! The RENAISSANCE ASSHOLE has shown up on their TV screen and says they have been DILATORY and risk SUMMARY JUDGMENT if they do not act fast.

Deana and Riker meet.

Deana asks him in her brain if Riker can still hear her thoughts.

"Have the two of you met before?"

"WE HAVE, SIR."

He appreciates that two of his senior officers know each other's "abilities."

Deana: "We do, sir. We do."

They visit Gollum-Wizard in the Administrative Office for some reason.

He threatens to seek an alliance with the Ferengi.

Deana senses terrible loneliness from some unknown force. It is the invisible Gollum.

Riker goes into a room on the Enterprise after being eye-molested by one of his coworkers and winds up in a magical prehistoric rainforest.

Now Data is whistling "Pop Goes the Weasle" lin the forest ike Omar singing "Farmer in the Dell."

They need Data's help to understand what is going on with the Wizard and the Gollum Force in the Administrative Office.

Data pledges that he will "endeavor to perform adequately."

Which is how I'm going to plan on pledging to perform tasks at work from now on.

Wesley falls in the simulated river in the simulated rainforest (which is also part-real). Data saves him. FUCKING WESLEY.

SPEAKING OF FUCKING WESLEY: he goes on to the bridge. Picard is like "CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE BRIDGE."

Crusher: "Sir, my son is not on the bridge. He merely accompanied me on the turbo-lift." (Wesley indeed does not cross the threshold. FUCKING WESLEY.)

Picard feels bad and lets that motherfucker on the Bridge.

Wesley notes a perimeter alert and is immediately thrown off the Bridge.

It is a ship with a pink hole in the bottom that shoots things out of the pink hole and scans things with its pink hole. It's shooting at the station where half of the team is looking for the Invisible Gollum Sad Force. (Deana has been channeling its PAIN and SADNESS.)

They decide to "illegally" kidnap the Wizard. They think of using weapons against the other ship, which is firing on the planet.

Renaissance Asshole (Q) shows up to taunt them ("TYPICAL.") and says Picard and his team have "ugly little primate faces."

The Wizard Guy (Zorn) is crying under a table and talking to the Gollum Spirit thing. While they are trying to kidnap Zorn, the Gollum Spirit Thing kidnaps him instead by transporting him into itself.

Deana tries to explain what happened. Q calls Picard a "dullard."

Picard then proceeds to have the most awkward conversation ever with Dr. Crusher, concluding it with, "I ... hope we can be friends" (zoom in tightly on his face).

Zorn is being tortured by the Gollum Force. Q shows up, this time dressed up like a crew member and says "TIME UP."

Picard asks to helps his peeps. They're transported back.

Deana needs to put on some pants, but reveals that the ship with the purple hole is alive.

Turns out the other ship is basically a giant sand dollar jellyfish.

Zorn caught one of the jellyfish it appears.

Picard refers to one of the jellyfish as a "mate" and we zoom in on close-ups of Riker and Deana and tinkling music plays.

Turns out the other space station was just another giant jellyfish. It takes off to join the other jellyfish.

The jellfyish lovers tenderly bond tentacle tails like in Avatar.

HOPEFULLY THIS IS ENOUGH TO DEMONSTRATE THE GOODNESS OF HUMANITY AND SAVE PICARD.

Picard announces that he has passed the test because the jellyfish expressed JOY and GRATITUDE (Deana tells us TWICE) and tells Q to leave.

Q leaves ONLY BECAUSE IT SUITS HIM TO LEAVE.

But then he comes back to say he will not promise never to come back again.

ENGAGE.