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no one asked but i am bored so here’s the story about the time i had to get a piece of pencil lead surgically removed from my arse
picture this : it’s 2008, i’m living in cyprus, life is mediocre because i’m ginger and sunburn is inevitable. nice hot day, i’m at school in a greek classics lesson with miss toula who struck fear into me like no other worldly being could EVER even imagine
sitting next to me is satan incarnate matthew (i still haven’t forgiven you for this matthew ur the reason my peachy cheeks are permanently scarred) who thinks it’ll be funny to tip his pencil shavings on the floor. miss toula sees and starts SHAKING with rage
she demands one of us picks it up or our parents will get called. my dumb ass yeets myself at the floor SO FAST i nearly give myself whiplash and starts picking up the pencil shavings one by one while MATTHEW is sitting filling in the worksheet with MY COLOURED PENCILS
i put the shavings in the bin and walk back to sit down in my seat. as i sit back down i scream because blonde haired, blue eyed, hitler wet dream matthew has stuck his freshly sharpened pencil VERTICALLY ON MY SEAT. i have a HB pencil sticking out of my right ass cheek
when i tell you i couldn’t sit straight i mean it comrades, they pulled the pencil out my asscheek but the lead is missing. where is it? snapped off in my buttcheek. i shit you not i had pencil lead in my buttcheek and i couldn’t sit straight. nurse tells me to go home
my mum picks me up, drives me to the local doctor who says she’s gonna have a quick look to see how bad it is. absolutely no anaesthetic, doctor maria is going IN on my asscheek with a scalpel while i scream in pain. she insists she’s not touching me while i scream and cry
my mum (kerry i love you) drives me to the hospital and they tell me they have to surgically remove this lead from my butt. doctor says it’s gonna hurt. it’s anaesthesia time, and i scream telling him i can feel something pointy (the needle) and you will not BELIEVE this
he thinks i mean the SCALPEL so here comes another dose of anaesthesia. once again i scream and tell him i felt it again. two. more. doses. of. anaesthesia. at this point my mum has been carted into a different room because i’m working myself up so much she passed out (?)
let me tell you i have never seen so much iodine in my LIFE. my entire right side has gone numb from 4 doses of anaesthesia. doctor cuts a square of my buttcheek out and removes the lead, stitches the buttcheek back on, shows me the lead he pulled out. it is HUGE
anyway, doctor gives me the piece of lead as a souvenir, my mum takes me for ice cream, happy days. doctor maria still thinks i’m going back to see her so she can give me drawing ointment to get the lead out my butt. legend has it to this DAY she is waiting on my return
so anyway i take a few days off school to recover from my butt surgery, go back to school the following week. all my classmates have got me cards and some chocolates to say get well soon. guess who didn’t get me anything and found the whole thing funny
you guessed it, aryan rat matthew. u best believe my angry ass stomped my way to the head teacher dr olympiou, another figure who still strikes fear into me to this day. and oh boy did he get in trouble for telling me he regrets nothing
next day i come to school and there he is with his parents behind him apologising to me profusely for the ordeal their crotch goblin put me through. they give me a bunch of flowers, a card and some chocolate. matthew STILL HASNT APOLOGISED by this point
his dad is like “isn’t there something you’d like to say matthew” and satan himself opens his mouth and goes “sorry lucy” and his mums like “i should think so too!!!” and then dr olympiou is like “hug it out” so i’m forced to hug this BEAST
and that is the end of that story. but matthew if you ever find this thread and read this i want you to know that i have not and will never forgive you for this. i had 3 days of intense pain and trying to regain feeling in my right side from extreme anaesthesia
however matthew i also want you to know i grew up to be so dummy thicc. SO dummy thicc that i bet your pencil couldn’t even get close. hope your pencil shavings were worth it rat boy
