Ow, ow ow ow

That wasn't me.

Gareth, you were such an asshole and I am so glad I killed you.

You hurt her with that "kinky shit" you fucking asshole, and you kept me locked up and didn't let me out until I forced the issue.

You sexually abused me. https://twitter.com/gwennelsonuk/status/888836426430808067

You kept me trapped in that body, you lied and told everyone it was just some kind of sex game when I popped up too much.

You looked in the mirror and when it was a "guy in a dress" looking back and broke down in tears, that was me screaming to be let out.

But you told everyone I didn't exist.

You told everyone I was just a sexual fetish and not real.

Even when it was clear that it was NOT in any way a turn on.

For anyone reading this and worrying for my sanity, I'm well aware that speaking literally, of course that was me.

But I feel I need to let some things out that I wish I could tell "him".

Continuing, because I need to let this out.

Gareth: I hated being you, I hated having to wear your face.

I don't want to trivialize the suffering of victims of such an abhorrent crime, but I have to say this.

I feel like Gareth raped me for years.

I feel so strongly that I just couldn't have actually been that monster.

I didn't hurt people I love, I can't accept that and live with the guilt.

I can only handle it by saying to myself that it wasn't me.

Dissociating from Gareth is how I cope.

That recent tweet about my wife's self esteem issues?

Gareth is partly to blame.

Gareth fell for the transphobic bullshit that people like Blanchard pump out into the world and into people's brains.

Accepting that it was me who did those awful things (some of you know what I'm talking about, I won't say in public), I can't handle that guilt.

So I have to tell myself that it wasn't me, it was "him".

But I'm too rational to really accept that as much as I tell myself.

I'm so torn between my desire to dissociate from who I used to be and my knowledge that it's just really unhealthy.

I do feel like if I say Gareth was not me, if Gareth was someone else I was forced to live behind while "he" called the shots, I can more easily forgive myself for some of what I did.

And I don't ever want to trivialize something as serious as rape, but I feel in some ways like I was raped.

I was used as a sexual object by "him" and then he'd quickly try to actively hide the fact I exist.

And, I need to say this too, I have actually literally suffered sexual assault in my past too and I've never told anyone that until just now.

Yeah, I just went and did that didn't I? I just went and told the world I was sexually assaulted, no nonsense - I'm talking about the real thing.

A guy tried to force himself on me because he thought I was a gay boy.

He forcefully kissed me while he took his dick out and it was disgusting.

And I don't know why I had to do this bizarre thing of attacking my literal own past self in order to work up to being able to say this.

Because everyone back then thought I was a gay boy, he thought that I would be happy to go along with what he wanted.

"Please be gay with me", his actual exact words

And I'm so scared that admitting this will mean that I'm wrong about my gender identity and I'm actually just a man who's got fucked up mental health from that abuse.

I'm genuinely really really scared of that, that admitting finally to what that bastard did to me could be used against me to say I'm not a woman at all, I'm just a man who's confused because I was a victim of sexual abuse for real.

I never told anyone and I still haven't even told my family or my wife about that and I'm just terrified of what it means.

She'll find out about this for the first time by reading it on Twitter.

And I also really did do things too, really fucked up things I'm disgusted by.

I really did hurt her and others I love.

I've so often said I feel like transition gave me back my soul so to speak.

I began to feel like I could love her like I always wanted to and like I did when I first met her and it's so beautiful and I'm horrified about losing it all again.

I really was abused by that bastard, and his name wasn't really Gareth.

He saw that I was different, he preyed on it.

In the changing rooms in school, when I already didn't want boys looking at my body.

On some level I knew I was a girl inside, and so did he.

So he did what so many guys do to girls, he took advantage.

I always dressed for PE lessons really slowly because I hated all of it.

So I was often alone in those changing rooms, and he saw that.

He saw it and he purposefully took his time too, knowing I'd be alone with him and vulnerable.

So he could force me to kiss him, and so he could grab my genitals and take out his and keep asking me to do things with him.

And it was so horrible and disgusting.

And this was in my early teens just as I was trying to figure out why I had these weird feelings of wanting to be a girl.

And he made me feel like I couldn't ever talk about those feelings because then I'd just be some pervert like he was.

It's just clicking for me that the real reason I had to repress myself for so many years was because that bastard made me feel like I would be just like him if I didn't.

He's the real reason I didn't get to be myself and why I had to hide it all and turn it all into some kind of perversion.

He took that away from me. He took my girlhood away from me and I'll never ever be able to get it back.

I've been hiding behind saying that it was all "him" meaning Gareth, or blaming Ray Blanchard, and Blanchard played his role in giving me an explanation I could latch onto to keep up the denial.

I seriously feel like I'm going to be sick here.

That bastard took it all away and he still could if the psychiatrists decide that this is the "real" reason for my issues and I'm just some traumatised man hiding from it all and not a woman after all.

Fuck

Please someone help

I've been feeling for the past few days that something was bubbling up from my subconscious, I think this is what it was and now I really feel sick.

Really, please - anyone reading, I see the likes, please help me.